Woah.. 2016..

To say the least.. this year has been massive.
At the beginning of the year I set myself all those 'typical new years resolutions'- lose weight, get fit, blah blah blah..
And then I set myself the ones I gave myself no choice but to accomplish and the ones which I have finally, to this day realised were the important ones; get my driving licence, get a job, meet new people, become vegan, recover, etc, etc...
Here I am on the 26th of December completely overwhelmed by everything this year has thrown at me and taught me and the new life it's given me.
Starting with Jan- leaving sixth form (which for the previous 2 and a half years had been the worst thing for me) to then get myself on the Princes Trust course which taught me so so much.
March, I completed 2 weeks work experience at the most amazing and rewarding school.. Churchill Park. It made it clearer than it was before.. this was my passion!
April, the PT course ended, wow I thought that was it... but no.. with my new friends by my side and with everything it taught me it then pushed me though for the rest of the year.. and through it I also signed up with an amazing volunteering organisation..
Then come May.. through frantically trying to find a job I find myself employed at the Market Cross.. the job which has given me life.
June, I do my theory test, despite all the anxiety and the fact I hadn't actually drove in a year.. I passed! (Massive thanks to my Stabler family for encouraging me to do so!)..
July the 15th, the official date of this amazing new life of Veganism. It's helped me through so much to do with eating disorders and everything. It's enlightened me and encouraged my ever growing wish to do something postivie for this world.
August.. I start my driving lessons again; despite all the anxiety of it all, I'm there, determined!
September, my hardest month (by what I can remember anyway) the 12th of September, I felt as though my world had broken and there's was no going forwards, I came so close... my work with my alcohol support worker finished, distraught. Then the 13th, my 20th birthday.. the birthday I said enough is enough! Its now or never! I have to do this! September the 21st.. I failed my first driving lesson.. BUT the same day instead of giving up and never doing it again like I would've before... I booked my next one! 
October the 11th, I passed my test! Beep beep to independence!
End of October/ November I bought my baby Violet.. my new lease of life and freedom! Something I worked hard for an finally achieved!
November, from all the training and sorting everything out I get told I have a client for my voluntary work and it'll begin in January.. SO excited! My dream is coming true.. helping and supporting people! In this November month as well.. my work ended after 2 years with my amazing support worker.. a time I never thought would come around.. out of this world overwhelming!
December, in particular Christmas day.. my first vegan christmas and my first Christmas in this new mindset for the world and for food... it was beyond testing and still definitely not something that's been easy.. but I did it!!!!
And now here I am.. prepping myself for New year! Making plans and battling the anxiety it's always always bought me.. I'm determined to not have my annual breakdown on NYE.. I have things I want to do and things I'm proud that I've achieved. It's new year but it's also going to be a time spent with a handful of my favourite people, my MC crew.

I'm not sat here writing this because I want to blab about how much has happened and changed... but I wanted to write this because I never thought any of this was possible. I never thought I'd see things positively or in this mindset. I never thought I would feel happy and for it to last more than 5 mins.. I never thought any of this would ever happen. But I also wanted to write this for those who are struggling with whatever now to tell you that it is possible!!!! It can happen!!! It's all there for you!!! You can do it!!!

2016.. has been the worst and best year of my life ever... and I'm forever grateful!

Anything is possible guys. It really is. Depression isn't something that has to be there forever... you can get through it... there is a brighter side.. it does happen.. and trust me I never thought I'd say that.. 6 years.. and here I am..

Please, please, please, keep going, keep strong and please belive me..

It's okay and it's also okay to not be okay.

I love you all and please if you ever need me I'm here!!!!
Anytime, any day!

So much love and I hope you all had a lovely Christmas

And a massive shout out to all the new people in my life, Annie and her family, my MC crew, EVERYONE. You've all got me to this point in my life and I will forever be grateful and especially for the memories and the plans to look forward to!
N xxxxx

Recovery..

Recovery isn't..
Sunshine and rainbows.
Waking up and deciding enough is enough and that being it.
Easy.
Simple.
A straight forward line.

Recovery is..
Battling.
Fighting.
Testing.
Those high moments.
Those low moments.
Constantly reassuring yourself just why you're doing so.
Remembering.
Fighting flashbacks.
Fighting thoughts.
Forcing yourself to take medication you never believed in.
Everything and anything you've had to deal with but fighting against it more than ever.
The unknown.
Picking yourself up despite.

I feel like the last 2 months I've hit recovery more than ever... and I feel like where I am now I'm in a position where I can talk about just how up and down it is and how the perception of it can be very misunderstood.
Recovery doesn't mean that you wake up one day and decide from now on everything will be fine.. however recovery does mean having to choose that you want to get better and having to fight against what you always believed, what you always knew, what you always thought was your way of life and always going to make you happy, feel better and relieve those feelings (irrational thoughts and beliefs).

For me, recovery has been pushing boundaries and going way, way, way out of my comfort zone. Recovery has been moments where I feel in control and moments where I feel like I've lost it and feel hopeless. Recovery has been opening up about things I never thought I would and opening up to those I never wanted to due to fear of hurting them and letting them down. Recovery has been moments where I've wanted to give in and just let it all take over because that took less energy than having to fight. Recovery has been getting on with things and pushing through moments which I would've before ran away from. Recovery has been letting myself feel the things I feel instead of drinking to numb them or using other coping strategies. Recovery has been exhausting. Recovery has been rediscovering a way of life I never thought I would and throwing myself into an uncomfortable unknown with the hope it will eventually pay off. Recovery has been so full of dread as much as it has been wishing it will work.
It's hard and takes more guts and fight than I've ever had to give before but I'm just hoping despite all of this, it'll be worth it.

One of the main steps and milestones I've found with recovery is having to accept the fact it's not a straightforward path (and that itself does take some strength) and that it doesn't mean you no longer suffer with x, y and z.. but that it does mean you're fighting against it to get the life back that you constantly get told you deserve and is out there for you.
A fight for a whole life you never thought you'd have- let alone deserve. 

With recovery please just remember whether it be you or someone else that it's never going to be easy but that doesn't make it impossible. And take into consideration just what is going on behind those closed doors and inside.
Please though keep fighting and please push through those moments and periods of time where you feel it's easier to give in and want nothing more than to do so. 

I believe in y'all.

"If you always do what you've always done, you'll always have what you've always had."

"Keep on keeping on.."

I wish nothing but the best for everyone.

Lots of love xxxxx

Has it really been since April?!

I haven't done a blog since April, that seems crazy and I do not know where this year has gone; it's going so fast! Anyhow I thought I'd write a blog post, mainly because since last Monday and since turning 20 I've felt something so strong which I've never felt before.
For a month and definitely more before my birthday, I was not in a good place and it certainly just got lower and lower as the days went by, until literally I had given up. The night before my birthday, I most definitely hit a low point and I actually scared myself and those around me. Before that night I tried everything to push people away, to try and be on my own so I could carry on with what I THOUGHT was right..
Monday the 12th, the day before my birthday was the most emotional day I'd had in I don't know how long. It was horrible and come night time it got worse. I'm not going to go into detail and say the ins and outs of it all, but take my word for it, it was not pleasant and a nice place to be. My depression was the worst it'd been since I could remember. My depression had took over every cell of my body and every breath that I took. Everything I did I could feel the impact it gave, I just could not cope and I felt horrific mentally, physically and emotionally.
However, since that night never have I realised just how much I need the people in my life and need the things that keep me going because I literally would be nothing without them.
I've never, ever appreciated anything and everything more than what I do right now. My job, my friends, my family, everything. I regret trying to push them all away, but I guess at the same time, without pushing them away I would never have realised just how much I need them all?
I don't know if the aim of this blog was to update, or what, but what I'm saying is, that no matter how much depression takes hold of you, no matter how much it smothers you, no matter how much it tells you this and tells you that; you are worth so much more and deserve so much more and are so worthy of happiness and to feel content. Life is always full of ups and downs, highs and lows, but if you're willing to push through and able to see the reasons to carry on when it's the last thing you want to do, you can do it. You will get there. I promise. Please stick at it and fight and do anything and everything because your life is so much more than depression could ever convince you. Your life is yours to make amazing and one to remember. Please, please, please if you ever need anyone because your feeling low, suicidal, or just genuinely struggling: don't hesitate to message me. I'm here. Always here and I honestly just want to help and I care so much and more than you'll ever realise.
Depression and the ways I cope with it is destroying and will no doubt impact me in the future, however that doesn't mean you have to be like that too. Please talk, please open up. Don't ever be ashamed or embarrassed or feel like you won't be taken seriously. Please realise the things which you think help; never just has that short term effect and that in the grande scheme of things nothing self destructive (the things which you believe truly help in the moment) will ever get you anywhere, maybe that short relief, the release, ability to forget, but talking, opening up, getting the help you deserve will.
I'm forever going to have these scars, I'm forever going to have this battle with a certain substance. BUT, I am able to try and control and try and enable myself to make decisions and get the help I need when I need it. I am able to recognise my triggers and recognise when my depression is taking over, but as hard as I find it- I'm also able to realise that I am stronger than my depression.
It's a battle, oh is it a fucking battle but it's possible.
You can do this.
Hold on to the little things, the little moments, because they're much greater than you realise. 
Considering its been since April and there really is so much I could say and update you all on, this is a very short post, however I'm working on it and hopefully soon I'll have a more detailed and in depth post to share with you all with not only things which have happened but things I'm planning too but for the mean time this'll have to do. 

Please take care of yourselves xox

I'M HYPER AND HAPPY AND I'M APPRECIATING YOU ALL.

Okay, I'm feeling extremely high and hyper right now and I can't actually sit still, so if there's any spelling mistakes etc. then there's the explanation!

Today has been what I needed. Today, seeing the 3 members of staff and friend from sixth form/school it's made me realise and pushed me into coming to terms with how much has changed- for the better!
Before leaving Sixth Form in January I was just one miserable, hopeless, depressed, anxious and insecure thing with no desire for the future, no goals, no confidence, no motivation, no ambition.. I simply survived and somehow made it through.

Then the incredible and life changing Prince's Trust came into my life. The Prince's Trust absolutely saved me. It made me feel alive again. It gave me goals, tasks, challenges, lots of happiness, memories, friends, motivation, hope and incredibly some confidence.

Today I went to see some staff from sixth form/ school and whilst walking round the building and talking to them all I felt like a whole different person. People were approaching me in a whole different way- a very nice, welcoming and joyful way. They weren't being cautious about talking to me incase I panicked. They weren't being cautious about approaching me incase shut them off. They were simply treating me like someone they were confident to talk to. Their whole body language and the way they spoke to me was completely different. And I believe that's down to my body language and vibes being completely different- I wasn't standing closed off and rigid. I wasn't hiding myself and avoiding eye contact. I wasn't constantly fiddling and hiding behind my hair. And again, that's all thanks to the Prince's Trust!

The course was hands down the best thing I could've done. It's transformed me into something I wouldn't have been able to transform into without!
Now when people ask me about my future I can actually answer them, when people talk to me I can comfortably talk to them back, when people approach me I don't feel so tense and on edge and when people ask me how I am; I can actually say "okay".. and most of the time genuinely mean it!

Things are so much better now. And I know as always I still have a good way to go, but after concentrating and reflecting on just how far I've come.. well bring it on! I'm not giving up. No way. I couldn't do that to those around me but now I can say I couldn't do that to myself either!

So whilst I'm here I would just like to say a great, big, massive  THANK YOU to everyone who's helped me and continues to help me.. The Prince's Trust (Kerry, Jim, Jade, Lori, John, Tony, Michael, Tom, Daniel and Dom). The girls and their parent's. The staff I saw today (Penny, Liz and Erica). My friends, my family and of course my support workers and counsellor. I really would not be here as the person I am today without you all.

Loads of love to you all!

- I hope you're all okay and life's treating you well! Remember I'm always here if you need me! Take care🌞 -

10th February 2016.

So as I sit here at the park, listening to music and watching the stars it's just giving me the perfect opportunity to sit and think and reflect.

Who'd have thought what a difference just over 2 weeks could make?! It's scary just thinking about it. I can't even imagine my life before, but I know it was not happy and a nice place to be. In just over two weeks of me concentrating on myself and getting my life back I've come so far, yes not everyday is all sunshine and rainbows and it's certainly had it's down moments, but with every dark time comes 3 bright things and that's certainly true. I know what keeps me going, keeps me fighting and picks me back up when I fall and I can gladly say that they aren't all harmful things anymore and that they're my family, support workers and my friends too. I'm so lucky, I have more than I could ever wish for in terms of support. Parents that haven't given up on me, support workers that haven't given up on me and friends that haven't given up on me and those people not giving up on me gives me every reason not to give up on myself. Like I've said before, this is ALL such a long, windy, bumpy journey; but it's possible and I'm gonna make it possible! I have a long way to go don't get me wrong, but I know that I can make it through and most importantly FIGHT my way through!
I've met some absolutely lovely people in the past two weeks who together we've already come such a long way- as a team and as individuals. I can find myself being with them and genuinely smiling, laughing and just enjoying their company. They're supportive, encouraging and understanding and it's truly lovely to be around.
"Everything happens for a reason" is the saying; and I'm starting to believe it more and more. And I guess in some cases I hope it's true too.

As I sat at the table first thing today: "So we're on week 3, how are you feeling and are you going to make it through to week 12"
Yes. Yes I am. Because I have so many people supporting me through this, I have such kind people around me and it's a challenge; again, with its ups and definite downs, but it's about personal development and I have trust that this course is going to help develop me as a person, it's already starting to in just over 2 weeks and I'd like to see how things are after 12! It's a rollarcoaster of emotions, but that's okay because anything has to be better than how my life was.
I like seeing people happy and after experiencing it today.. I like feeling happy too and I long for that feeling to be more permanent!
I'll get there.. I have no choice!

A massive, massive, massive thank you to ALL of the supportive people in my life; who haven't given up on me, have encouraged me, guided me and believed in me. I'd be absolutely nothing without you all.

I hope you're all well and life is treating you kindly!

Take care!

Natalie x

29th December 2015.

Well hello there, once again I'm going to find myself apologising for the lack of blogging- but the time hasn't been right, the inspiration hasn't been there and the excuses have been flowing.
But now it's time. Time for me to get back on track in many more than one way.

I hope you all had a lovely Christmas and it was a positive time for you all spent with your loved ones and full of happiness, laughter and appreciation.

I can't believe it's only 3 days till the New Year, this time of year always makes me so anxious. A new year, a whole new year. I hate the anticipation, the fear, the what ifs, but I'm determined to get myself better in 2016.
I've come through so much this year, finding myself in such dark times, making bad choices and relying on things I thought would help- adding another battle to my list. But that's okay. Because I've managed to learn so much about myself this year. And I most certainly can say that despite the fact I'm battling through all this, I have the most amazing supportive people in my life.
My support workers, family, friends and doctors and without all of them I don't know what I'd be doing or where I'd be. So I cannot THANK them all enough.

If there's one thing I've learnt this year is the opening up to those you never dreamt of opening up to is possibly one of the biggest, bravest and influential steps you can take. And I couldn't encourage it enough. It really does make a big difference and it really does make things that slightest bit easier.

Recovery is exhausting, constant, scary BUT it's possible and I'm not giving up. And I'm not giving up because of the people I have around me but also because of myself. I've fought for too long, I've come through so much, I've learnt too much and I've come such a long way that there's no way I could give up on that now. I am going to do this, it may be scary but blimey it'll be worth it.

So please, for anyone out there struggling- no matter what it is- please don't give up. If you think no one cares, there's no point, it's too hard; you couldn't be more wrong. I care about you all so much and I am more than willing to listen to you, to help you and support you. So please talk to me, whether it's on my social medias; facebook/twitter/instagram or whether you email me directly at nataliepaige1396@gmail.com
Please do.

I'm hoping to atleast do one more post before the new year, but incase I don't get round to it; I hope you all have a lovely time. That 2016 treats you well and I wish you all the best happiness and health for the new year. You all deserve it.

Thank you so much to those who took the time to read my posts this year, who supported me and encouraged me. Who a kept me strong and kept me going.
You all mean one hell of a lot to me and I really cannot thank you all enough.

Keep strong, keep fighting and remember recovery and happiness is possible if you allow yourself to believe, trust and accept. Live to inspire others, but most importantly live to inspire yourself.
You got this🌞💕

A journal of my journey..

So I've been thinking about my blog; what I want to do with it and the type of posts I would like to share.
I have decided I want to try and turn it into a journal of my recovery, a journal of my journey.
I want and need to include some positivity and I want to post about my journey in the hope it will be able to help others, and/or maybe go as far to say 'inspire' others.
Obviously I can only talk from my experiences and what you read will either be close to the truth or the exact truth- depending on how personal it is of course. But I will not be exaggerating, pretending, lying- it's just going to be me, my mind, my blog and my recovery.

And I guess to start it off today is a good day to do so.

In terms of my anxiety and depression it really hasn't been very good recently, lots of negativity and lack of self belief, particularly last week and yesterday- having a very detrimental effect on my attendance and work at sixth form.
Last week I didn't attend any lessons, the one I told myself I would attend I wasn't able to due to having a panic attack beforehand.
BUT, today I was determined to fight, I had 4 hours of lessons and I set myself a target of attending a minimum of 2 and for anything more to be a bonus. I attended all 4. It wasn't easy, I had a few panicky episodes but.. I done it. I was determined to do it and I did just so.
I also attended a Zumba class that I used to go to twice a week without fail for the first time in months last night. Again, the nerves were there, the thoughts were there and as much as I wanted to turn around and go home, as much as I wished the ground could swallow me up, I went. I made it there. I managed to to join in for the first few songs before having to sit and watch the rest of the class because of the overwhelming feelings and thoughts. But I was still proud for even attending, let alone standing up and taking part for the duration I did.

It's days and times like these I want to write about, it's days and times like this which are positive and something to be proud of, it's days and times like this which deserve to counted as an achievement and something to look back on to pick myself up.

I hope you readers are okay, thank you so much for the support etc I've been given it really does mean a lot! Remember if any of you ever need someone to talk to, rant to whatever my email address for this blog is nataliepaige1396@gmail.com or feel free to comment on the posts or message me directly on my social medias. I'm more than willing to help!

It's hard, it's tiring, it's a bumpy road.. but it's possible, it's worth it and we can do it!

Keep strong!

Nat x

Just a post of thoughts and randomness..

You know those people? The supportive, reliable and purely incredible people? Those who make time for you, don't judge you and don't belittle you, but believe, encourage and support you? Those are the absolute keepers.
Sitting in my meeting today I find myself smiling, a genuine smile? Because I was sat with someone who full on supports me, believes in me and inspires me.

Me being someone who HATES the concept of failing, letting people down and just hates herself, being with someone who makes me smile and encourages me and my recovery is breathtaking and makes me want to fight this draining battle with myself.

It really does feel as though I'm on some never ending quest to find happiness and feel in control and worth something.. and although they say "you can't rely on others for you're own happiness" - as much as I agree, surely it's better to feel happiness from that than none at all? Sometimes we need those around us to encourage and support us because it's so so hard to encourage and support ourselves?
The past 5 years have been a battle BUT it's a battle I can't give up with because of the people around me.. They pick me up when I fall, they care and they believe in me. So giving up on me would feel like I'm giving up on them, letting them down, failing them and wasting there precious time.
I have to do this, I have too! Even if to begin with my motivation is based on other people, that's better than nothing! Right?

Also, I sat in town today people watching and I just love trying to read people and work them out. Their body language, how they act, eye contact.. all sorts! It's interesting and it's particularly interesting how by looking at someone we can almost guess their struggles and lives? I mean we may be wrong but it's just shows how we perceive others?
If they say 1 in 4 people have struggled or are struggling with mental illness, then as I sat there 1 of every 4 people who walked past me have struggled or are struggling currently. And it genuinely hurts me knowing they're battling through such paralysing illnesses and especially how there will have been people walk past who are too ashamed or embarrassed to receive the help they deserve. I wish there was something I could do to completely stop all of the stigma and negativity against it and find ways to encourage and support those going through it to get the help to help them find happiness and be there when they feel alone, hopeless and scared. But one person as much as they want to could not change he stigma made by thousands? Society sucks, but society is what we make it. If we make it filled with negativity and stigma, then that's what it'll be, but if we were to promote positivity, not be judgemental and remove all negative stigma, then society (I'm sure) would be a much nicer place.. 

I don't know, this is just me blabbing.. 

But what if it wasn't you and it was someone else?

But what if it wasn't you and it was someone else?
If it was someone else feeling the way you do you'd be helping them? You'd be supporting them? You wouldn't give up on them? And you'd be giving them advice and doing everything to make sure they feel okay, they smile and that they don't give up?
So..
Why is it different when it comes to ourselves? Why is it so hard for us to give ourselves the advice, support, encouragement and help we'd give to others who feel the same way we do?

We messed up, made a mistake?
We wouldn't call someone else a failure, tell them to give up and call themselves nasty names because of that mistake- we'd be comforting them, encouraging them not to give up and to carry on, we'd be telling them that it's okay, that they are good at what they do and chances are others may not have even realised..
So why do we do it to ourselves?

We feel low, depressed, hopeless, that there's no point?
We wouldn't tell others to give up what they used to enjoy because they don't feel good enough, we wouldn't let someone else feel so hopeless that they don't see the point anymore? We wouldn't tell someone that there's no point in living and getting through the days? We wouldn't let someone else give up on themselves- we'd be supporting them, helping them find a reason to get out of bed and get through the day, encouraging them, telling them that things will be okay and things will get better, and that today may just be a bad day but tomorrow will be better..
So why do we do it to ourselves?

We feel like we let everyone down, that we fail and that we hurt people?
We wouldn't tell others that they let everyone down, that they're failures and that they're worthless and only good at hurting others- we'd tell them all the good things they've done, we'd tell them how proud we are of them, we'd tell them that they aren't letting people down and that it will be okay..
So why do we do it ourselves?

We feel like we need a release? That everything's too much or you feel to numb that you need something to "help"?
We wouldn't tell someone else to hurt themselves, down excessive amounts of alcohol and take whatever to make them feel "better"... you wouldn't pick up that self harm tool and hurt them? You wouldn't pick up that bottle, shove it in their mouth and tell them to down it- we'd help them, talk to them, distract them and make sure that they get a release in a non self destructive way. We wouldn't let them do bad things to themselves..
So why do we do it to ourselves?

Why do we find it so much easier to be horrible to ourselves, be our own worst enemy and critique? Why do we allow ourselves to call us all the horrible names we'd never dream of calling others?

Why is it so hard to love ourselves, support ourselves and encourage ourselves, but so easy to beat ourselves up and give up? Believe that there's no point and that there's no hope? Yet if someone else was in our shoes we'd be doing the opposite?

We need more self loving, we need to be proud of ourselves and we need to accept how we are! It's okay to feel negative emotions, it's okay to feel down, depressed, anxious and stressed, we're human and they're natural. But it's not okay to let it smother you and get to a point where it's making you ill, making you unable to cope and making you feel like you can't carry on.

Support those around you by all means, but how about we try support ourselves too? They say we're all equal and that we should treat others how we'd want to be treated ourselves? So let's do it.
At the end of the day we can't rely on others, we need to help ourselves and try see through the grey cloud and tell ourselves "but what if it was someone else in my shoes, what would I be doing/saying to them?"

It's possible it just takes some practice and it's most certainly something I need to start trying!

Hope you're all okay and that this makes sense to you, also thank you for reading (if you made it this far through the post that is!) Keep strong and give it a go, you can do it!

Nat, xox

Depression

Nasty, evil, draining, exhausting depression.

That evil monster that convinces you there's no point, that you're not good enough, that you'll never be good enough, that things aren't going to get better, that you constantly let those around you down, that you're a failure, that you'll never succeed, that everything you do and have done was not enough.

Ruining everything, isolating, suffocating, smothering you till you physically feel that you're on breaking point. You feel numb, drained, exhausted, but if people ask how you are; remember that you're "fine" / "okay" and make sure you say it convincingly, make sure they believe it.

Draining you of all energy, so that even the small day to day tasks feel too much, getting out of bed in the mornings is even harder, everything is just harder. It makes the rainy, dark and miserable days even darker.

It's just always there like, oh wait you're feeling a bit brighter today? Not for long!
Oh wait you have a free moment? Let's make that moment so utterly miserable- let's sit here and think about all the times you messed up, all the friendships and relationships you've ruined, all the things you do wrong, all the times you have failed, all the times you let people down and hurt them, let's think about the things you used to be passionate about but no longer have the energy, confidence, motivation and concentration to do them. Let's think about how you're never going to get anywhere in life and that it's all just a waste of time even trying. Let's think about all the guilt you feel and the endless reasons behind it.

But again, just remember that when people ask, you're okay, you're fine. Please make sure that you fake a smile and act okay too.
But don't forget that I, that awful nasty monster will always be there, criticising every single thing you do. I will make you feel empty, I will make you sad and I will make everything seem impossible.

Clock strikes and bam..

Does anyone else find that it gets to the evening and it's like your mood just plummets? It's like a shitty reward for making it through the day?

For example today- clock strikes 8 and BAM I sit here thinking, over thinking to be precise.

Thinking is never a good thing really because as soon as I have that opportunity to think I feel bad and my thoughts are bad and it's just crap.
Don't get me wrong it's always there during the day; that kinda numb yet anxious feeling, but it seems more bareable because I'm either trying to keep occupied or I'm sleeping, but then as soon as I go to "relax" (ha!) in the evening it really is a dramatic mood change and not a good one for that matter.. it sucks big time.

I just want things to get better already.

The battle of me, myself and I.

The battle of me, myself and I written by me.

The one thing getting to me recently, amongst the other things of course, is the fact I'm constantly having to battle myself. One example of this is with sixth form. You see being in my last year of sixth form (finally!!!!) I'm really wanting to prove myself, get grades and leave this year being able to say it was worth the year of torture, making the people around me proud.. BUT, how on this earth am I supposed to do that if I'm not able to get through lessons, go to lessons, or if I do stay in lessons ending up doing minimal/ no work, either I'm freaking out, unable to concentrate, too stupid to understand or too afraid to ask for help??? Brilliant. I sit in lessons with absolutely no clue what's going on around me, just listening to words being shot across the classroom which I'm sure are from a complete different language, surrounded by people who seem to be able to achieve, understand and participate in lessons and really I just stick out like a sore thumb.
The battle of anxiety and depression; the fear of failing, letting people down, yet not having the energy, concentration and motivation to make sure I don't, everything is too much effort, getting up for sixth form in the mornings is too much effort, trying to deal with myself and get through the day is too much effort, I get home and sleep because I'm too exhausted, everything requires energy I simply do not have. It's so frustrating.
The perfectionist, inner critique is screaming at me, why can't you just do this? What is wrong with you? You're going to fail! You're never going to succeed if you carry on like this! Yet the other side just asks what's the point? I'm not going to pass? It's easier to just sleep. When is it home time so you can sleep? I'm a failure. I'm stupid. There's no point because the work won't be right and surely it's easier just not handing it in/doing it than being told you've got another U to add to your collection? Just leave the room. Don't go to lesson, just find somewhere you can go hide away from everyone.

I guess we all have to battle ourselves throughout life, maybe not everyday over simple things maybe it's just battling the anxiety over a future event which you know will be amazing and the after effect will make you feel incredible.. despite the lead up to it being hell!
It's just when these battles become a daily thing.. "same shit, different day" kinda stuff where you almost exhaust yourself out even more when having to battle with the fact you're too exhausted in the first place? Missing opportunities, missing out on learning and just missing out on life.

It's a miserable place right now and I just hope that the future will soon begin to look brighter.

We'll see.

Anyhow, I'm sorry for the ranty negative post. I promise I'll try start doing more uplifting ones soon!

I hope you're all okay, well and happy. All living the positive life you deserve to be living and all experiencing amazing opportunities! You're absolutely amazing people and you all deserve the very best!

Again, thanks for reading (if you've made it this far) and apologies for the post.

Peace out x o x

Well I guess you could call it an apology for my lack of blogging but if I call it that then you may as well not bother reading it but I don't have another name or caption that I can think of so "apology for my lack of blogging" will have to do...

Firstly I'd like to apologise for the lack of posts recently, I've not been having the easiest of times and the last thing I want to do is sit here and write for the sake of it. I love blogging and I love writing and I love helping people; but how can I help others when I can't help myself? How can I sit here writing encouraging/ positive stuff if I'm feeling the opposite? Exactly, I can't. But that doesn't mean I don't want to/ I can't help you. That doesn't mean that if any of you need someone to talk to that I'm not going to be there for you, because I always will be, but for this period of time, I'm feeling so uninspired, my anxiety isn't very good and I've lost a bit of control- but I'm working on it and hopefully I'll be able to sit here soon and write something worth it.

But I really do hope you are all okay and living your life to the fullest. I hope you're happy and I hope you're looking after yourselves because you're all precious and all worth it.

Take care and please do chat to me if any of you need someone, I'm more than happy to try and help you!

Thanks for your time, peace out♡

Changes

It's so weird how things change, some for the better, some not, but for someone who finds change uncomfortable; change is always happening. Friendships, relationships, feelings, how we view the world, our thoughts and how we are. Change always happens and I feel as though many things have changed in my life recently and I've realised and come to terms with many different things; the main one being- who I'm around and spend my time with plays a massive part with how you feel and how you spend your time and that if I do want things to be different then I am going to have to embrace those changes and focus on the outcome.
I live my life wanting to please others, help them and make them proud, but now I also way to live my life for me- helping myself and doing things for myself, because when it comes down to it, my own life is in my control, what I do is in my control and how I feel is also in my control  (especially if I make those changes to impact it positively). I messed up a bit recently, but with the apologies accepted and my own self talk, I'm willing to move on, turn a new leaf and learn from my mistakes and experiences.
I'm very nearly 19 and I'm so done with living in a negative, draining way. Small steps, achievements and making the most out of the help and support around me- hopefully I'll get there!

Hope you all have the best of days, keep strong, keep proud, and be true to yourself. Because yourself is the most important thing.
Embrace, experience and achieve! 

Just a late night post

It's currently 00:21 and I'm sat alone in my garden with candles and music. I can hear people laughing and having fun. I'm sat here and I honestly feel like so much has changed recently- for the worst or for the better; things have changed. But most of all I've truly learnt just how much my family mean to me and not gonna lie things have been tough, but right now I can see positive changes that wouldn't have happened without the hard times. My parents are closer and me and my family are closer and beginning to get to know each other again. And it's honestly lovely. We/ I still have a long way to go; but it'll be worth it. I wouldn't be where I am now if it wasn't for the handful of people I have in my life and I'll never be able to thank them all enough. It's not been easy, but hopefully sooner or later I'll be able to say it was all worth it.
Appreciate those small things and appreciate those who support and encourage the positive in you because they are by far the keepers and the people who are worth your time.
It may be all rain and dark now, but it can't last forever- there'll soon be light and sunshine and happiness. It's worth the fight and it's worth the darkness if in the end you are happy and those around you are happy.
Life's just one big journey- constantly learning and experiencing but it's making the most and taking the moments that'll move you forwards.

I wish you all the best happiness and health and I just wish I could make everyone happy and make life easier for everyone because that honestly would be the best thing ever.

Live the adventure and enjoy; you never know when it's going to end. Peace out x

Inspired.

There's people in your life who come and go, there's always people in your life whether you like it or not- positive or negative there's people there. But then when you get that one person or handful of people who bring out the best in you- those are the keepers, those are the people you should surround yourself with and keep in touch with. There's so many people who can bring out different personalities, good and bad, but when you finally meet that one person or those people who inspire, motivate and have the same passion(s) as you, it can literally be life changing. And I'm not someone who believes that you should rely on other people to make your life happy because it's your life therefore you need to make the changes and differences which can influence your happiness, but that doesn't mean I'm against having people in your life which are supportive and want the best for you and have influences on your happiness.
For years going through my good and bad times I feel as though I've relied on people to make me happy and it's not until now, after being with that one person where I've fully realised the only thing/ the only person who can truly make a difference in my life and try and find the happiness I want is in actual fact, me.. me, myself and I. Yes I've got those supportive people, and people I love being with in my life around me and as much as they can suggest changes which will help it's up to me to act on it and make the difference.

When you're actually able to sit down and talk real life with that one person who creates such a positive energy and you're able to walk away feeling inspired and motivated, well there's no words to describe the feeling.

I feel as though recently I've come in contact with my dream and my ambition and it wasn't until I met the one person with the exact same interest, with the exact same goals and the exact understanding of the real world where I then realised this. We know what we want to do, we know the goal we have and we know the various steps we can take to enable us to become closer to reaching our goal. And when you sit with that person and there's excitement and passion in our voices, there's determination and reality- that's when you know you're with the right person.

I've been inspired and I feel inspired and it's the inspiration that I'm feeling now which I am holding on to and going to try and focus on.

I'm young and we're young yet talking with such ambition and determination is such a strong positive feeling.

The only person who can hold us back is us, therefore the only person who can control us is us.
At the end of the day; no matter who is in your life or the situations your in, there's always a way and there's always a way out. Things don't happen over night, but that doesn't mean that they don't happen.
Keep strong, keep real and hold on to the little things in this big wide world which bring out the best in you; because they are the keepers.

Peace out✌

I don't even know..

Things have been particularly hard recently and I feel as though now is a good time to sit and write. Lots has changed and I don't know whether it's for the best or not, but I do know that right now it sucks big time.
So much has been thrown out into the open, so many of my long term secrets have now been exposed and it's honestly felt too much. I can't even explain it. 

But what I really want to say is and that I really hope happens is that no matter how dark times are now there will soon be a light and that's the message I wish I could pass on to others; that no matter the struggles, daily battles and darkness which you're going through now- things will get better, there will soon be a light and things will get easier. Sometimes it takes the process of going through the dark times to reach the better. I want to take this as a learning curve and an experience but right now it feels like a dead end- but I'm just hoping in time to come I'll be able to look back and realise that it was for the better and that things really did get easier.

Sorry for not posting in so long, but I hope you're all okay and coping with whatever life is throwing at you. I'm always here if anyone needs to chat or release any feelings.

And yes I do realise that this is such a crap post and that it's probably not even worth posting- but whatever.

Please take care of yourselves and realise how important and special you all really are. You're all worth all the happiness and best health. Stay strong and believe. Xo

The little things in life..

One of the most important things I've managed to teach myself recently, for me to hold on to and for me to influence others with is holding on to those little things in life. There are so many little things in our lives which do not get enough credit and very often go unnoticed and it wasn't until I was sat here in deep thought about my life where it clicked. In my life, seeing as I can only talk from my personal view, there are numerous things that I do, that happen and that are able to subconsciously give me something to hold on to on my bad days or days where living isn't a thing, just existing, which actually make me happy or make me feel something.
These little things actually play such a huge part in our lives and influence us and how we feel, and I do not think that we credit those enough.
Which then led me to ask myself, if those little things really do play such a huge part and influence us so much, then why are they called "little things" and not "big things"?

I've had people say about the amount of photos I take, the amount of money I spend, the time I spend in coffee shops, the time I spend with my friends, not going out/leaving the house, and I can't help but wonder why it's such a big deal? I know that with my anxiety somethings and some days are harder than others, I know that somethings I avoid purely because I don't want to have a panic attack and also because I've already thought and thought about what could happen and know how uncomfortable I will feel. Don't get me wrong, I do believe in pushing yourself and facing fears, but I also believe there's a limit and nobody, whoever they are should not have to; not do something because others won't like it, or do something that they do not want to do.
There's so many things we don't have a choice about- compulsory education til the age of 18, age restrictions, the good and bad things that happen, etc. The we should be honoured and feel privileged to embrace the things we do have a choice on.

For me, walks on my own, taking photos,  having time to myself- but also spending time with those I genuinely like and have time for, looking after my girls, going to coffee shops, listening to music, writing, being able to know who I can and can't trust and also those who I can and can't talk to, those who I can be myself around and those who understand me, the lazy days and the days where I want to explore, future plans about my genuine interests, my job and my family, the indepth chats with people who show interest, listening to someone talk about something their passionate about and making someone smile, these are a few of the small things that get me through.

Which, when reading it back, sounds like rather a lot and I'm very fortunate, but I've experienced myself and I know how easy it is to find yourself in a mind set of I have nothing, nobody cares, nobody likes me, there's no point; that when you are able to actually notice those things, it really does feel overwhelming.

I'm not now sitting here saying everyone should notice everyone of their little things, but what I can encourage is for people to think about and to jot down at least one little thing a day that made them feel happy or made life feel easier during that day. Whatever it was, it matters and then hopefully, that list will become longer and you will be able to realise just how many things there are.

I don't know, it worked for me, so hopefully it'll work for you guys.

Take care and look after yourself, because you are all important and I care about you all dearly. ☺

"One of those days.."

Do you ever have "one of those days" where you just worry and over think everything?

But what if "one of those days" seem to be everyday?

I mean I'm fine when I'm busy or with people (kinda), but it's when I'm on my own and have time to sit and think is where my day seems to turn around.

Anxiety is a factor of my life that I have no control over, I worry, I over think, I panic and that's just part of me now. But it really does get to me some times- thinking and worrying and finding myself in these moods where I just feel like sitting and crying, realising that realistically I have no control over things, like what's going to happen during the day, the conversations I'm going to have, the mood I'm going to be in. I hate not knowing. Dreading days to come where I'm going to be surrounded by people, returning back to sixth form after a few days off, days full of expectations and commitments, where actually I'd rather just be in bed.
My job, the girls I babysit, my family and my friends are the reasons I get out of bed in the mornings, I love all of them. Yet I always find myself feeling guilty for feeling this way, that I'd actually quite like to just cut myself off and be on my own, or I would actually like to just get away sometimes.
I don't know, I have these feelings that I just annoy those around me, say the wrong things, hurt people and that maybe I am just better off sewing my mouth up and shutting myself away?
Recent events have been so overwhelming and it's really shaken me up. What if I could've done more? What if the worst had happened?

I don't know. I don't really know what's going on in my mind anymore, but I would love to just be happy and confident.

I'm sorry that for a blog that was supposed to be full of positivity has now had this downer posted on it.

I just needed to write, that's all.

I promise future blogs will be better and nicer.

I hope you're all okay and happy. 

Much love to you all xx

Here goes..

For a while now I've been thinking about creating a place where people can see what goes on in my life and somewhere I can try to help others. Although I may not be able to relate to everything, I will always do what I can to understand.
I believe that everyone deserves the chance to express how they really feel and have a place where they can take a break from the struggles of everyday life and my aim is to create this.

I'm no trained counsellor, but I am a person willing to help anyone. No matter their age or background. Everyone deserves the opportunity to be heard.

Now I'm not going to make out that the whole of my life has been under one big dark cloud full of misery and pain, because it hasn't.
I have my family, friends, an education and a job. So I guess the expectation is that I should be happy and everything is sunshine and rainbows right?
Well that's the expectation- but why should what I have around me determine how I should feel? Don't get me wrong,  I'm so grateful for what I have, but unfortunately mental illness doesn't consider the factors of your life before it begins to take over it.

You see, there is so much stigma and ignorance around so many things these days and in particular mental health.
Surely if it's invisible it doesn't exist.. RIGHT? Surely if you have everything you need around you, you should be "happy".. RIGHT?

However this couldn't be more wrong. Just because you cannot see it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Just because someone has what is considered to be "everything you need in life" doesn't mean they should feel or think a certain way.

It's said that 1 in 4 people in the UK will experience mental health problems in the duration of a year. This can be anyone, it could be the person sitting next to you on public transport, it could be the person you just walked past in town, it could be the person sitting next to you in your classroom,  the person surrounded by friends at school, the old man or the old lady you just saw in the local coffee shop, the celebrities in the media.
It can be anyone. Anyone can be affected by a mental health condition. There is no age restrictions, gender restrictions, ethnicity restrictions, wealth restrictions, there is simply no restrictions.. but there is social stigma and pure ignorance towards it.
Now, I'm not trying to say everyone should understand personally and know all the ins and outs,  but I do think everyone should have a basic understanding, consideration and knowledge.
In school we're taught some of the physical illnesses and the illnesses most in the public eye, however we're not taught about mental health or how we can support someone struggling with mental illness. So I guess we're socialised to think it's not important but being able to measure the angle of a triangle is?
We always comment about what we're not taught in school- mortgages,  bills, use the washing machine, but never do I see mental illness on that list even though it affects everyone?

Society, is society,  one person will never be able to change it, however one person may be able to impact it?

Anyway, my aim is to create a place free from the social stigma and judgemental comments, but full of understanding.

So here's the first blog post. If you actually read this, thank you for your time.


If any of you ever need someone to talk to a place to go to, this blog will always be open to all, along with my ask.fm: https://m.ask.fm/agirlswordsandthoughts

Take care of yourselves and remember you are beautiful and unique, important and all deserve to be heard no matter how big or small the problem is, if it's affecting you, it's important.