"One of those days.."

Do you ever have "one of those days" where you just worry and over think everything?

But what if "one of those days" seem to be everyday?

I mean I'm fine when I'm busy or with people (kinda), but it's when I'm on my own and have time to sit and think is where my day seems to turn around.

Anxiety is a factor of my life that I have no control over, I worry, I over think, I panic and that's just part of me now. But it really does get to me some times- thinking and worrying and finding myself in these moods where I just feel like sitting and crying, realising that realistically I have no control over things, like what's going to happen during the day, the conversations I'm going to have, the mood I'm going to be in. I hate not knowing. Dreading days to come where I'm going to be surrounded by people, returning back to sixth form after a few days off, days full of expectations and commitments, where actually I'd rather just be in bed.
My job, the girls I babysit, my family and my friends are the reasons I get out of bed in the mornings, I love all of them. Yet I always find myself feeling guilty for feeling this way, that I'd actually quite like to just cut myself off and be on my own, or I would actually like to just get away sometimes.
I don't know, I have these feelings that I just annoy those around me, say the wrong things, hurt people and that maybe I am just better off sewing my mouth up and shutting myself away?
Recent events have been so overwhelming and it's really shaken me up. What if I could've done more? What if the worst had happened?

I don't know. I don't really know what's going on in my mind anymore, but I would love to just be happy and confident.

I'm sorry that for a blog that was supposed to be full of positivity has now had this downer posted on it.

I just needed to write, that's all.

I promise future blogs will be better and nicer.

I hope you're all okay and happy. 

Much love to you all xx