The battle of me, myself and I.

The battle of me, myself and I written by me.

The one thing getting to me recently, amongst the other things of course, is the fact I'm constantly having to battle myself. One example of this is with sixth form. You see being in my last year of sixth form (finally!!!!) I'm really wanting to prove myself, get grades and leave this year being able to say it was worth the year of torture, making the people around me proud.. BUT, how on this earth am I supposed to do that if I'm not able to get through lessons, go to lessons, or if I do stay in lessons ending up doing minimal/ no work, either I'm freaking out, unable to concentrate, too stupid to understand or too afraid to ask for help??? Brilliant. I sit in lessons with absolutely no clue what's going on around me, just listening to words being shot across the classroom which I'm sure are from a complete different language, surrounded by people who seem to be able to achieve, understand and participate in lessons and really I just stick out like a sore thumb.
The battle of anxiety and depression; the fear of failing, letting people down, yet not having the energy, concentration and motivation to make sure I don't, everything is too much effort, getting up for sixth form in the mornings is too much effort, trying to deal with myself and get through the day is too much effort, I get home and sleep because I'm too exhausted, everything requires energy I simply do not have. It's so frustrating.
The perfectionist, inner critique is screaming at me, why can't you just do this? What is wrong with you? You're going to fail! You're never going to succeed if you carry on like this! Yet the other side just asks what's the point? I'm not going to pass? It's easier to just sleep. When is it home time so you can sleep? I'm a failure. I'm stupid. There's no point because the work won't be right and surely it's easier just not handing it in/doing it than being told you've got another U to add to your collection? Just leave the room. Don't go to lesson, just find somewhere you can go hide away from everyone.

I guess we all have to battle ourselves throughout life, maybe not everyday over simple things maybe it's just battling the anxiety over a future event which you know will be amazing and the after effect will make you feel incredible.. despite the lead up to it being hell!
It's just when these battles become a daily thing.. "same shit, different day" kinda stuff where you almost exhaust yourself out even more when having to battle with the fact you're too exhausted in the first place? Missing opportunities, missing out on learning and just missing out on life.

It's a miserable place right now and I just hope that the future will soon begin to look brighter.

We'll see.

Anyhow, I'm sorry for the ranty negative post. I promise I'll try start doing more uplifting ones soon!

I hope you're all okay, well and happy. All living the positive life you deserve to be living and all experiencing amazing opportunities! You're absolutely amazing people and you all deserve the very best!

Again, thanks for reading (if you've made it this far) and apologies for the post.

Peace out x o x