Recovery..

Recovery isn't..
Sunshine and rainbows.
Waking up and deciding enough is enough and that being it.
Easy.
Simple.
A straight forward line.

Recovery is..
Battling.
Fighting.
Testing.
Those high moments.
Those low moments.
Constantly reassuring yourself just why you're doing so.
Remembering.
Fighting flashbacks.
Fighting thoughts.
Forcing yourself to take medication you never believed in.
Everything and anything you've had to deal with but fighting against it more than ever.
The unknown.
Picking yourself up despite.

I feel like the last 2 months I've hit recovery more than ever... and I feel like where I am now I'm in a position where I can talk about just how up and down it is and how the perception of it can be very misunderstood.
Recovery doesn't mean that you wake up one day and decide from now on everything will be fine.. however recovery does mean having to choose that you want to get better and having to fight against what you always believed, what you always knew, what you always thought was your way of life and always going to make you happy, feel better and relieve those feelings (irrational thoughts and beliefs).

For me, recovery has been pushing boundaries and going way, way, way out of my comfort zone. Recovery has been moments where I feel in control and moments where I feel like I've lost it and feel hopeless. Recovery has been opening up about things I never thought I would and opening up to those I never wanted to due to fear of hurting them and letting them down. Recovery has been moments where I've wanted to give in and just let it all take over because that took less energy than having to fight. Recovery has been getting on with things and pushing through moments which I would've before ran away from. Recovery has been letting myself feel the things I feel instead of drinking to numb them or using other coping strategies. Recovery has been exhausting. Recovery has been rediscovering a way of life I never thought I would and throwing myself into an uncomfortable unknown with the hope it will eventually pay off. Recovery has been so full of dread as much as it has been wishing it will work.
It's hard and takes more guts and fight than I've ever had to give before but I'm just hoping despite all of this, it'll be worth it.

One of the main steps and milestones I've found with recovery is having to accept the fact it's not a straightforward path (and that itself does take some strength) and that it doesn't mean you no longer suffer with x, y and z.. but that it does mean you're fighting against it to get the life back that you constantly get told you deserve and is out there for you.
A fight for a whole life you never thought you'd have- let alone deserve. 

With recovery please just remember whether it be you or someone else that it's never going to be easy but that doesn't make it impossible. And take into consideration just what is going on behind those closed doors and inside.
Please though keep fighting and please push through those moments and periods of time where you feel it's easier to give in and want nothing more than to do so. 

I believe in y'all.

"If you always do what you've always done, you'll always have what you've always had."

"Keep on keeping on.."

I wish nothing but the best for everyone.

Lots of love xxxxx