I haven't done a blog since April, that seems crazy and I do not know where this year has gone; it's going so fast! Anyhow I thought I'd write a blog post, mainly because since last Monday and since turning 20 I've felt something so strong which I've never felt before.
For a month and definitely more before my birthday, I was not in a good place and it certainly just got lower and lower as the days went by, until literally I had given up. The night before my birthday, I most definitely hit a low point and I actually scared myself and those around me. Before that night I tried everything to push people away, to try and be on my own so I could carry on with what I THOUGHT was right..
Monday the 12th, the day before my birthday was the most emotional day I'd had in I don't know how long. It was horrible and come night time it got worse. I'm not going to go into detail and say the ins and outs of it all, but take my word for it, it was not pleasant and a nice place to be. My depression was the worst it'd been since I could remember. My depression had took over every cell of my body and every breath that I took. Everything I did I could feel the impact it gave, I just could not cope and I felt horrific mentally, physically and emotionally.
However, since that night never have I realised just how much I need the people in my life and need the things that keep me going because I literally would be nothing without them.
I've never, ever appreciated anything and everything more than what I do right now. My job, my friends, my family, everything. I regret trying to push them all away, but I guess at the same time, without pushing them away I would never have realised just how much I need them all?
I don't know if the aim of this blog was to update, or what, but what I'm saying is, that no matter how much depression takes hold of you, no matter how much it smothers you, no matter how much it tells you this and tells you that; you are worth so much more and deserve so much more and are so worthy of happiness and to feel content. Life is always full of ups and downs, highs and lows, but if you're willing to push through and able to see the reasons to carry on when it's the last thing you want to do, you can do it. You will get there. I promise. Please stick at it and fight and do anything and everything because your life is so much more than depression could ever convince you. Your life is yours to make amazing and one to remember. Please, please, please if you ever need anyone because your feeling low, suicidal, or just genuinely struggling: don't hesitate to message me. I'm here. Always here and I honestly just want to help and I care so much and more than you'll ever realise.
Depression and the ways I cope with it is destroying and will no doubt impact me in the future, however that doesn't mean you have to be like that too. Please talk, please open up. Don't ever be ashamed or embarrassed or feel like you won't be taken seriously. Please realise the things which you think help; never just has that short term effect and that in the grande scheme of things nothing self destructive (the things which you believe truly help in the moment) will ever get you anywhere, maybe that short relief, the release, ability to forget, but talking, opening up, getting the help you deserve will.
I'm forever going to have these scars, I'm forever going to have this battle with a certain substance. BUT, I am able to try and control and try and enable myself to make decisions and get the help I need when I need it. I am able to recognise my triggers and recognise when my depression is taking over, but as hard as I find it- I'm also able to realise that I am stronger than my depression.
It's a battle, oh is it a fucking battle but it's possible.
You can do this.
Hold on to the little things, the little moments, because they're much greater than you realise.
Considering its been since April and there really is so much I could say and update you all on, this is a very short post, however I'm working on it and hopefully soon I'll have a more detailed and in depth post to share with you all with not only things which have happened but things I'm planning too but for the mean time this'll have to do.
Please take care of yourselves xox
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