Just a post of thoughts and randomness..

You know those people? The supportive, reliable and purely incredible people? Those who make time for you, don't judge you and don't belittle you, but believe, encourage and support you? Those are the absolute keepers.
Sitting in my meeting today I find myself smiling, a genuine smile? Because I was sat with someone who full on supports me, believes in me and inspires me.

Me being someone who HATES the concept of failing, letting people down and just hates herself, being with someone who makes me smile and encourages me and my recovery is breathtaking and makes me want to fight this draining battle with myself.

It really does feel as though I'm on some never ending quest to find happiness and feel in control and worth something.. and although they say "you can't rely on others for you're own happiness" - as much as I agree, surely it's better to feel happiness from that than none at all? Sometimes we need those around us to encourage and support us because it's so so hard to encourage and support ourselves?
The past 5 years have been a battle BUT it's a battle I can't give up with because of the people around me.. They pick me up when I fall, they care and they believe in me. So giving up on me would feel like I'm giving up on them, letting them down, failing them and wasting there precious time.
I have to do this, I have too! Even if to begin with my motivation is based on other people, that's better than nothing! Right?

Also, I sat in town today people watching and I just love trying to read people and work them out. Their body language, how they act, eye contact.. all sorts! It's interesting and it's particularly interesting how by looking at someone we can almost guess their struggles and lives? I mean we may be wrong but it's just shows how we perceive others?
If they say 1 in 4 people have struggled or are struggling with mental illness, then as I sat there 1 of every 4 people who walked past me have struggled or are struggling currently. And it genuinely hurts me knowing they're battling through such paralysing illnesses and especially how there will have been people walk past who are too ashamed or embarrassed to receive the help they deserve. I wish there was something I could do to completely stop all of the stigma and negativity against it and find ways to encourage and support those going through it to get the help to help them find happiness and be there when they feel alone, hopeless and scared. But one person as much as they want to could not change he stigma made by thousands? Society sucks, but society is what we make it. If we make it filled with negativity and stigma, then that's what it'll be, but if we were to promote positivity, not be judgemental and remove all negative stigma, then society (I'm sure) would be a much nicer place.. 

I don't know, this is just me blabbing.. 

But what if it wasn't you and it was someone else?

But what if it wasn't you and it was someone else?
If it was someone else feeling the way you do you'd be helping them? You'd be supporting them? You wouldn't give up on them? And you'd be giving them advice and doing everything to make sure they feel okay, they smile and that they don't give up?
So..
Why is it different when it comes to ourselves? Why is it so hard for us to give ourselves the advice, support, encouragement and help we'd give to others who feel the same way we do?

We messed up, made a mistake?
We wouldn't call someone else a failure, tell them to give up and call themselves nasty names because of that mistake- we'd be comforting them, encouraging them not to give up and to carry on, we'd be telling them that it's okay, that they are good at what they do and chances are others may not have even realised..
So why do we do it to ourselves?

We feel low, depressed, hopeless, that there's no point?
We wouldn't tell others to give up what they used to enjoy because they don't feel good enough, we wouldn't let someone else feel so hopeless that they don't see the point anymore? We wouldn't tell someone that there's no point in living and getting through the days? We wouldn't let someone else give up on themselves- we'd be supporting them, helping them find a reason to get out of bed and get through the day, encouraging them, telling them that things will be okay and things will get better, and that today may just be a bad day but tomorrow will be better..
So why do we do it to ourselves?

We feel like we let everyone down, that we fail and that we hurt people?
We wouldn't tell others that they let everyone down, that they're failures and that they're worthless and only good at hurting others- we'd tell them all the good things they've done, we'd tell them how proud we are of them, we'd tell them that they aren't letting people down and that it will be okay..
So why do we do it ourselves?

We feel like we need a release? That everything's too much or you feel to numb that you need something to "help"?
We wouldn't tell someone else to hurt themselves, down excessive amounts of alcohol and take whatever to make them feel "better"... you wouldn't pick up that self harm tool and hurt them? You wouldn't pick up that bottle, shove it in their mouth and tell them to down it- we'd help them, talk to them, distract them and make sure that they get a release in a non self destructive way. We wouldn't let them do bad things to themselves..
So why do we do it to ourselves?

Why do we find it so much easier to be horrible to ourselves, be our own worst enemy and critique? Why do we allow ourselves to call us all the horrible names we'd never dream of calling others?

Why is it so hard to love ourselves, support ourselves and encourage ourselves, but so easy to beat ourselves up and give up? Believe that there's no point and that there's no hope? Yet if someone else was in our shoes we'd be doing the opposite?

We need more self loving, we need to be proud of ourselves and we need to accept how we are! It's okay to feel negative emotions, it's okay to feel down, depressed, anxious and stressed, we're human and they're natural. But it's not okay to let it smother you and get to a point where it's making you ill, making you unable to cope and making you feel like you can't carry on.

Support those around you by all means, but how about we try support ourselves too? They say we're all equal and that we should treat others how we'd want to be treated ourselves? So let's do it.
At the end of the day we can't rely on others, we need to help ourselves and try see through the grey cloud and tell ourselves "but what if it was someone else in my shoes, what would I be doing/saying to them?"

It's possible it just takes some practice and it's most certainly something I need to start trying!

Hope you're all okay and that this makes sense to you, also thank you for reading (if you made it this far through the post that is!) Keep strong and give it a go, you can do it!

Nat, xox

Depression

Nasty, evil, draining, exhausting depression.

That evil monster that convinces you there's no point, that you're not good enough, that you'll never be good enough, that things aren't going to get better, that you constantly let those around you down, that you're a failure, that you'll never succeed, that everything you do and have done was not enough.

Ruining everything, isolating, suffocating, smothering you till you physically feel that you're on breaking point. You feel numb, drained, exhausted, but if people ask how you are; remember that you're "fine" / "okay" and make sure you say it convincingly, make sure they believe it.

Draining you of all energy, so that even the small day to day tasks feel too much, getting out of bed in the mornings is even harder, everything is just harder. It makes the rainy, dark and miserable days even darker.

It's just always there like, oh wait you're feeling a bit brighter today? Not for long!
Oh wait you have a free moment? Let's make that moment so utterly miserable- let's sit here and think about all the times you messed up, all the friendships and relationships you've ruined, all the things you do wrong, all the times you have failed, all the times you let people down and hurt them, let's think about the things you used to be passionate about but no longer have the energy, confidence, motivation and concentration to do them. Let's think about how you're never going to get anywhere in life and that it's all just a waste of time even trying. Let's think about all the guilt you feel and the endless reasons behind it.

But again, just remember that when people ask, you're okay, you're fine. Please make sure that you fake a smile and act okay too.
But don't forget that I, that awful nasty monster will always be there, criticising every single thing you do. I will make you feel empty, I will make you sad and I will make everything seem impossible.

Clock strikes and bam..

Does anyone else find that it gets to the evening and it's like your mood just plummets? It's like a shitty reward for making it through the day?

For example today- clock strikes 8 and BAM I sit here thinking, over thinking to be precise.

Thinking is never a good thing really because as soon as I have that opportunity to think I feel bad and my thoughts are bad and it's just crap.
Don't get me wrong it's always there during the day; that kinda numb yet anxious feeling, but it seems more bareable because I'm either trying to keep occupied or I'm sleeping, but then as soon as I go to "relax" (ha!) in the evening it really is a dramatic mood change and not a good one for that matter.. it sucks big time.

I just want things to get better already.

The battle of me, myself and I.

The battle of me, myself and I written by me.

The one thing getting to me recently, amongst the other things of course, is the fact I'm constantly having to battle myself. One example of this is with sixth form. You see being in my last year of sixth form (finally!!!!) I'm really wanting to prove myself, get grades and leave this year being able to say it was worth the year of torture, making the people around me proud.. BUT, how on this earth am I supposed to do that if I'm not able to get through lessons, go to lessons, or if I do stay in lessons ending up doing minimal/ no work, either I'm freaking out, unable to concentrate, too stupid to understand or too afraid to ask for help??? Brilliant. I sit in lessons with absolutely no clue what's going on around me, just listening to words being shot across the classroom which I'm sure are from a complete different language, surrounded by people who seem to be able to achieve, understand and participate in lessons and really I just stick out like a sore thumb.
The battle of anxiety and depression; the fear of failing, letting people down, yet not having the energy, concentration and motivation to make sure I don't, everything is too much effort, getting up for sixth form in the mornings is too much effort, trying to deal with myself and get through the day is too much effort, I get home and sleep because I'm too exhausted, everything requires energy I simply do not have. It's so frustrating.
The perfectionist, inner critique is screaming at me, why can't you just do this? What is wrong with you? You're going to fail! You're never going to succeed if you carry on like this! Yet the other side just asks what's the point? I'm not going to pass? It's easier to just sleep. When is it home time so you can sleep? I'm a failure. I'm stupid. There's no point because the work won't be right and surely it's easier just not handing it in/doing it than being told you've got another U to add to your collection? Just leave the room. Don't go to lesson, just find somewhere you can go hide away from everyone.

I guess we all have to battle ourselves throughout life, maybe not everyday over simple things maybe it's just battling the anxiety over a future event which you know will be amazing and the after effect will make you feel incredible.. despite the lead up to it being hell!
It's just when these battles become a daily thing.. "same shit, different day" kinda stuff where you almost exhaust yourself out even more when having to battle with the fact you're too exhausted in the first place? Missing opportunities, missing out on learning and just missing out on life.

It's a miserable place right now and I just hope that the future will soon begin to look brighter.

We'll see.

Anyhow, I'm sorry for the ranty negative post. I promise I'll try start doing more uplifting ones soon!

I hope you're all okay, well and happy. All living the positive life you deserve to be living and all experiencing amazing opportunities! You're absolutely amazing people and you all deserve the very best!

Again, thanks for reading (if you've made it this far) and apologies for the post.

Peace out x o x