I'M HYPER AND HAPPY AND I'M APPRECIATING YOU ALL.

Okay, I'm feeling extremely high and hyper right now and I can't actually sit still, so if there's any spelling mistakes etc. then there's the explanation!

Today has been what I needed. Today, seeing the 3 members of staff and friend from sixth form/school it's made me realise and pushed me into coming to terms with how much has changed- for the better!
Before leaving Sixth Form in January I was just one miserable, hopeless, depressed, anxious and insecure thing with no desire for the future, no goals, no confidence, no motivation, no ambition.. I simply survived and somehow made it through.

Then the incredible and life changing Prince's Trust came into my life. The Prince's Trust absolutely saved me. It made me feel alive again. It gave me goals, tasks, challenges, lots of happiness, memories, friends, motivation, hope and incredibly some confidence.

Today I went to see some staff from sixth form/ school and whilst walking round the building and talking to them all I felt like a whole different person. People were approaching me in a whole different way- a very nice, welcoming and joyful way. They weren't being cautious about talking to me incase I panicked. They weren't being cautious about approaching me incase shut them off. They were simply treating me like someone they were confident to talk to. Their whole body language and the way they spoke to me was completely different. And I believe that's down to my body language and vibes being completely different- I wasn't standing closed off and rigid. I wasn't hiding myself and avoiding eye contact. I wasn't constantly fiddling and hiding behind my hair. And again, that's all thanks to the Prince's Trust!

The course was hands down the best thing I could've done. It's transformed me into something I wouldn't have been able to transform into without!
Now when people ask me about my future I can actually answer them, when people talk to me I can comfortably talk to them back, when people approach me I don't feel so tense and on edge and when people ask me how I am; I can actually say "okay".. and most of the time genuinely mean it!

Things are so much better now. And I know as always I still have a good way to go, but after concentrating and reflecting on just how far I've come.. well bring it on! I'm not giving up. No way. I couldn't do that to those around me but now I can say I couldn't do that to myself either!

So whilst I'm here I would just like to say a great, big, massive  THANK YOU to everyone who's helped me and continues to help me.. The Prince's Trust (Kerry, Jim, Jade, Lori, John, Tony, Michael, Tom, Daniel and Dom). The girls and their parent's. The staff I saw today (Penny, Liz and Erica). My friends, my family and of course my support workers and counsellor. I really would not be here as the person I am today without you all.

Loads of love to you all!

- I hope you're all okay and life's treating you well! Remember I'm always here if you need me! Take care🌞 -

10th February 2016.

So as I sit here at the park, listening to music and watching the stars it's just giving me the perfect opportunity to sit and think and reflect.

Who'd have thought what a difference just over 2 weeks could make?! It's scary just thinking about it. I can't even imagine my life before, but I know it was not happy and a nice place to be. In just over two weeks of me concentrating on myself and getting my life back I've come so far, yes not everyday is all sunshine and rainbows and it's certainly had it's down moments, but with every dark time comes 3 bright things and that's certainly true. I know what keeps me going, keeps me fighting and picks me back up when I fall and I can gladly say that they aren't all harmful things anymore and that they're my family, support workers and my friends too. I'm so lucky, I have more than I could ever wish for in terms of support. Parents that haven't given up on me, support workers that haven't given up on me and friends that haven't given up on me and those people not giving up on me gives me every reason not to give up on myself. Like I've said before, this is ALL such a long, windy, bumpy journey; but it's possible and I'm gonna make it possible! I have a long way to go don't get me wrong, but I know that I can make it through and most importantly FIGHT my way through!
I've met some absolutely lovely people in the past two weeks who together we've already come such a long way- as a team and as individuals. I can find myself being with them and genuinely smiling, laughing and just enjoying their company. They're supportive, encouraging and understanding and it's truly lovely to be around.
"Everything happens for a reason" is the saying; and I'm starting to believe it more and more. And I guess in some cases I hope it's true too.

As I sat at the table first thing today: "So we're on week 3, how are you feeling and are you going to make it through to week 12"
Yes. Yes I am. Because I have so many people supporting me through this, I have such kind people around me and it's a challenge; again, with its ups and definite downs, but it's about personal development and I have trust that this course is going to help develop me as a person, it's already starting to in just over 2 weeks and I'd like to see how things are after 12! It's a rollarcoaster of emotions, but that's okay because anything has to be better than how my life was.
I like seeing people happy and after experiencing it today.. I like feeling happy too and I long for that feeling to be more permanent!
I'll get there.. I have no choice!

A massive, massive, massive thank you to ALL of the supportive people in my life; who haven't given up on me, have encouraged me, guided me and believed in me. I'd be absolutely nothing without you all.

I hope you're all well and life is treating you kindly!

Take care!

Natalie x

29th December 2015.

Well hello there, once again I'm going to find myself apologising for the lack of blogging- but the time hasn't been right, the inspiration hasn't been there and the excuses have been flowing.
But now it's time. Time for me to get back on track in many more than one way.

I hope you all had a lovely Christmas and it was a positive time for you all spent with your loved ones and full of happiness, laughter and appreciation.

I can't believe it's only 3 days till the New Year, this time of year always makes me so anxious. A new year, a whole new year. I hate the anticipation, the fear, the what ifs, but I'm determined to get myself better in 2016.
I've come through so much this year, finding myself in such dark times, making bad choices and relying on things I thought would help- adding another battle to my list. But that's okay. Because I've managed to learn so much about myself this year. And I most certainly can say that despite the fact I'm battling through all this, I have the most amazing supportive people in my life.
My support workers, family, friends and doctors and without all of them I don't know what I'd be doing or where I'd be. So I cannot THANK them all enough.

If there's one thing I've learnt this year is the opening up to those you never dreamt of opening up to is possibly one of the biggest, bravest and influential steps you can take. And I couldn't encourage it enough. It really does make a big difference and it really does make things that slightest bit easier.

Recovery is exhausting, constant, scary BUT it's possible and I'm not giving up. And I'm not giving up because of the people I have around me but also because of myself. I've fought for too long, I've come through so much, I've learnt too much and I've come such a long way that there's no way I could give up on that now. I am going to do this, it may be scary but blimey it'll be worth it.

So please, for anyone out there struggling- no matter what it is- please don't give up. If you think no one cares, there's no point, it's too hard; you couldn't be more wrong. I care about you all so much and I am more than willing to listen to you, to help you and support you. So please talk to me, whether it's on my social medias; facebook/twitter/instagram or whether you email me directly at nataliepaige1396@gmail.com
Please do.

I'm hoping to atleast do one more post before the new year, but incase I don't get round to it; I hope you all have a lovely time. That 2016 treats you well and I wish you all the best happiness and health for the new year. You all deserve it.

Thank you so much to those who took the time to read my posts this year, who supported me and encouraged me. Who a kept me strong and kept me going.
You all mean one hell of a lot to me and I really cannot thank you all enough.

Keep strong, keep fighting and remember recovery and happiness is possible if you allow yourself to believe, trust and accept. Live to inspire others, but most importantly live to inspire yourself.
You got this🌞💕

A journal of my journey..

So I've been thinking about my blog; what I want to do with it and the type of posts I would like to share.
I have decided I want to try and turn it into a journal of my recovery, a journal of my journey.
I want and need to include some positivity and I want to post about my journey in the hope it will be able to help others, and/or maybe go as far to say 'inspire' others.
Obviously I can only talk from my experiences and what you read will either be close to the truth or the exact truth- depending on how personal it is of course. But I will not be exaggerating, pretending, lying- it's just going to be me, my mind, my blog and my recovery.

And I guess to start it off today is a good day to do so.

In terms of my anxiety and depression it really hasn't been very good recently, lots of negativity and lack of self belief, particularly last week and yesterday- having a very detrimental effect on my attendance and work at sixth form.
Last week I didn't attend any lessons, the one I told myself I would attend I wasn't able to due to having a panic attack beforehand.
BUT, today I was determined to fight, I had 4 hours of lessons and I set myself a target of attending a minimum of 2 and for anything more to be a bonus. I attended all 4. It wasn't easy, I had a few panicky episodes but.. I done it. I was determined to do it and I did just so.
I also attended a Zumba class that I used to go to twice a week without fail for the first time in months last night. Again, the nerves were there, the thoughts were there and as much as I wanted to turn around and go home, as much as I wished the ground could swallow me up, I went. I made it there. I managed to to join in for the first few songs before having to sit and watch the rest of the class because of the overwhelming feelings and thoughts. But I was still proud for even attending, let alone standing up and taking part for the duration I did.

It's days and times like these I want to write about, it's days and times like this which are positive and something to be proud of, it's days and times like this which deserve to counted as an achievement and something to look back on to pick myself up.

I hope you readers are okay, thank you so much for the support etc I've been given it really does mean a lot! Remember if any of you ever need someone to talk to, rant to whatever my email address for this blog is nataliepaige1396@gmail.com or feel free to comment on the posts or message me directly on my social medias. I'm more than willing to help!

It's hard, it's tiring, it's a bumpy road.. but it's possible, it's worth it and we can do it!

Keep strong!

Nat x

Just a post of thoughts and randomness..

You know those people? The supportive, reliable and purely incredible people? Those who make time for you, don't judge you and don't belittle you, but believe, encourage and support you? Those are the absolute keepers.
Sitting in my meeting today I find myself smiling, a genuine smile? Because I was sat with someone who full on supports me, believes in me and inspires me.

Me being someone who HATES the concept of failing, letting people down and just hates herself, being with someone who makes me smile and encourages me and my recovery is breathtaking and makes me want to fight this draining battle with myself.

It really does feel as though I'm on some never ending quest to find happiness and feel in control and worth something.. and although they say "you can't rely on others for you're own happiness" - as much as I agree, surely it's better to feel happiness from that than none at all? Sometimes we need those around us to encourage and support us because it's so so hard to encourage and support ourselves?
The past 5 years have been a battle BUT it's a battle I can't give up with because of the people around me.. They pick me up when I fall, they care and they believe in me. So giving up on me would feel like I'm giving up on them, letting them down, failing them and wasting there precious time.
I have to do this, I have too! Even if to begin with my motivation is based on other people, that's better than nothing! Right?

Also, I sat in town today people watching and I just love trying to read people and work them out. Their body language, how they act, eye contact.. all sorts! It's interesting and it's particularly interesting how by looking at someone we can almost guess their struggles and lives? I mean we may be wrong but it's just shows how we perceive others?
If they say 1 in 4 people have struggled or are struggling with mental illness, then as I sat there 1 of every 4 people who walked past me have struggled or are struggling currently. And it genuinely hurts me knowing they're battling through such paralysing illnesses and especially how there will have been people walk past who are too ashamed or embarrassed to receive the help they deserve. I wish there was something I could do to completely stop all of the stigma and negativity against it and find ways to encourage and support those going through it to get the help to help them find happiness and be there when they feel alone, hopeless and scared. But one person as much as they want to could not change he stigma made by thousands? Society sucks, but society is what we make it. If we make it filled with negativity and stigma, then that's what it'll be, but if we were to promote positivity, not be judgemental and remove all negative stigma, then society (I'm sure) would be a much nicer place.. 

I don't know, this is just me blabbing.. 

But what if it wasn't you and it was someone else?

But what if it wasn't you and it was someone else?
If it was someone else feeling the way you do you'd be helping them? You'd be supporting them? You wouldn't give up on them? And you'd be giving them advice and doing everything to make sure they feel okay, they smile and that they don't give up?
So..
Why is it different when it comes to ourselves? Why is it so hard for us to give ourselves the advice, support, encouragement and help we'd give to others who feel the same way we do?

We messed up, made a mistake?
We wouldn't call someone else a failure, tell them to give up and call themselves nasty names because of that mistake- we'd be comforting them, encouraging them not to give up and to carry on, we'd be telling them that it's okay, that they are good at what they do and chances are others may not have even realised..
So why do we do it to ourselves?

We feel low, depressed, hopeless, that there's no point?
We wouldn't tell others to give up what they used to enjoy because they don't feel good enough, we wouldn't let someone else feel so hopeless that they don't see the point anymore? We wouldn't tell someone that there's no point in living and getting through the days? We wouldn't let someone else give up on themselves- we'd be supporting them, helping them find a reason to get out of bed and get through the day, encouraging them, telling them that things will be okay and things will get better, and that today may just be a bad day but tomorrow will be better..
So why do we do it to ourselves?

We feel like we let everyone down, that we fail and that we hurt people?
We wouldn't tell others that they let everyone down, that they're failures and that they're worthless and only good at hurting others- we'd tell them all the good things they've done, we'd tell them how proud we are of them, we'd tell them that they aren't letting people down and that it will be okay..
So why do we do it ourselves?

We feel like we need a release? That everything's too much or you feel to numb that you need something to "help"?
We wouldn't tell someone else to hurt themselves, down excessive amounts of alcohol and take whatever to make them feel "better"... you wouldn't pick up that self harm tool and hurt them? You wouldn't pick up that bottle, shove it in their mouth and tell them to down it- we'd help them, talk to them, distract them and make sure that they get a release in a non self destructive way. We wouldn't let them do bad things to themselves..
So why do we do it to ourselves?

Why do we find it so much easier to be horrible to ourselves, be our own worst enemy and critique? Why do we allow ourselves to call us all the horrible names we'd never dream of calling others?

Why is it so hard to love ourselves, support ourselves and encourage ourselves, but so easy to beat ourselves up and give up? Believe that there's no point and that there's no hope? Yet if someone else was in our shoes we'd be doing the opposite?

We need more self loving, we need to be proud of ourselves and we need to accept how we are! It's okay to feel negative emotions, it's okay to feel down, depressed, anxious and stressed, we're human and they're natural. But it's not okay to let it smother you and get to a point where it's making you ill, making you unable to cope and making you feel like you can't carry on.

Support those around you by all means, but how about we try support ourselves too? They say we're all equal and that we should treat others how we'd want to be treated ourselves? So let's do it.
At the end of the day we can't rely on others, we need to help ourselves and try see through the grey cloud and tell ourselves "but what if it was someone else in my shoes, what would I be doing/saying to them?"

It's possible it just takes some practice and it's most certainly something I need to start trying!

Hope you're all okay and that this makes sense to you, also thank you for reading (if you made it this far through the post that is!) Keep strong and give it a go, you can do it!

Nat, xox

Depression

Nasty, evil, draining, exhausting depression.

That evil monster that convinces you there's no point, that you're not good enough, that you'll never be good enough, that things aren't going to get better, that you constantly let those around you down, that you're a failure, that you'll never succeed, that everything you do and have done was not enough.

Ruining everything, isolating, suffocating, smothering you till you physically feel that you're on breaking point. You feel numb, drained, exhausted, but if people ask how you are; remember that you're "fine" / "okay" and make sure you say it convincingly, make sure they believe it.

Draining you of all energy, so that even the small day to day tasks feel too much, getting out of bed in the mornings is even harder, everything is just harder. It makes the rainy, dark and miserable days even darker.

It's just always there like, oh wait you're feeling a bit brighter today? Not for long!
Oh wait you have a free moment? Let's make that moment so utterly miserable- let's sit here and think about all the times you messed up, all the friendships and relationships you've ruined, all the things you do wrong, all the times you have failed, all the times you let people down and hurt them, let's think about the things you used to be passionate about but no longer have the energy, confidence, motivation and concentration to do them. Let's think about how you're never going to get anywhere in life and that it's all just a waste of time even trying. Let's think about all the guilt you feel and the endless reasons behind it.

But again, just remember that when people ask, you're okay, you're fine. Please make sure that you fake a smile and act okay too.
But don't forget that I, that awful nasty monster will always be there, criticising every single thing you do. I will make you feel empty, I will make you sad and I will make everything seem impossible.