Woah.. 2016..

To say the least.. this year has been massive.
At the beginning of the year I set myself all those 'typical new years resolutions'- lose weight, get fit, blah blah blah..
And then I set myself the ones I gave myself no choice but to accomplish and the ones which I have finally, to this day realised were the important ones; get my driving licence, get a job, meet new people, become vegan, recover, etc, etc...
Here I am on the 26th of December completely overwhelmed by everything this year has thrown at me and taught me and the new life it's given me.
Starting with Jan- leaving sixth form (which for the previous 2 and a half years had been the worst thing for me) to then get myself on the Princes Trust course which taught me so so much.
March, I completed 2 weeks work experience at the most amazing and rewarding school.. Churchill Park. It made it clearer than it was before.. this was my passion!
April, the PT course ended, wow I thought that was it... but no.. with my new friends by my side and with everything it taught me it then pushed me though for the rest of the year.. and through it I also signed up with an amazing volunteering organisation..
Then come May.. through frantically trying to find a job I find myself employed at the Market Cross.. the job which has given me life.
June, I do my theory test, despite all the anxiety and the fact I hadn't actually drove in a year.. I passed! (Massive thanks to my Stabler family for encouraging me to do so!)..
July the 15th, the official date of this amazing new life of Veganism. It's helped me through so much to do with eating disorders and everything. It's enlightened me and encouraged my ever growing wish to do something postivie for this world.
August.. I start my driving lessons again; despite all the anxiety of it all, I'm there, determined!
September, my hardest month (by what I can remember anyway) the 12th of September, I felt as though my world had broken and there's was no going forwards, I came so close... my work with my alcohol support worker finished, distraught. Then the 13th, my 20th birthday.. the birthday I said enough is enough! Its now or never! I have to do this! September the 21st.. I failed my first driving lesson.. BUT the same day instead of giving up and never doing it again like I would've before... I booked my next one! 
October the 11th, I passed my test! Beep beep to independence!
End of October/ November I bought my baby Violet.. my new lease of life and freedom! Something I worked hard for an finally achieved!
November, from all the training and sorting everything out I get told I have a client for my voluntary work and it'll begin in January.. SO excited! My dream is coming true.. helping and supporting people! In this November month as well.. my work ended after 2 years with my amazing support worker.. a time I never thought would come around.. out of this world overwhelming!
December, in particular Christmas day.. my first vegan christmas and my first Christmas in this new mindset for the world and for food... it was beyond testing and still definitely not something that's been easy.. but I did it!!!!
And now here I am.. prepping myself for New year! Making plans and battling the anxiety it's always always bought me.. I'm determined to not have my annual breakdown on NYE.. I have things I want to do and things I'm proud that I've achieved. It's new year but it's also going to be a time spent with a handful of my favourite people, my MC crew.

I'm not sat here writing this because I want to blab about how much has happened and changed... but I wanted to write this because I never thought any of this was possible. I never thought I'd see things positively or in this mindset. I never thought I would feel happy and for it to last more than 5 mins.. I never thought any of this would ever happen. But I also wanted to write this for those who are struggling with whatever now to tell you that it is possible!!!! It can happen!!! It's all there for you!!! You can do it!!!

2016.. has been the worst and best year of my life ever... and I'm forever grateful!

Anything is possible guys. It really is. Depression isn't something that has to be there forever... you can get through it... there is a brighter side.. it does happen.. and trust me I never thought I'd say that.. 6 years.. and here I am..

Please, please, please, keep going, keep strong and please belive me..

It's okay and it's also okay to not be okay.

I love you all and please if you ever need me I'm here!!!!
Anytime, any day!

So much love and I hope you all had a lovely Christmas

And a massive shout out to all the new people in my life, Annie and her family, my MC crew, EVERYONE. You've all got me to this point in my life and I will forever be grateful and especially for the memories and the plans to look forward to!
N xxxxx

Recovery..

Recovery isn't..
Sunshine and rainbows.
Waking up and deciding enough is enough and that being it.
Easy.
Simple.
A straight forward line.

Recovery is..
Battling.
Fighting.
Testing.
Those high moments.
Those low moments.
Constantly reassuring yourself just why you're doing so.
Remembering.
Fighting flashbacks.
Fighting thoughts.
Forcing yourself to take medication you never believed in.
Everything and anything you've had to deal with but fighting against it more than ever.
The unknown.
Picking yourself up despite.

I feel like the last 2 months I've hit recovery more than ever... and I feel like where I am now I'm in a position where I can talk about just how up and down it is and how the perception of it can be very misunderstood.
Recovery doesn't mean that you wake up one day and decide from now on everything will be fine.. however recovery does mean having to choose that you want to get better and having to fight against what you always believed, what you always knew, what you always thought was your way of life and always going to make you happy, feel better and relieve those feelings (irrational thoughts and beliefs).

For me, recovery has been pushing boundaries and going way, way, way out of my comfort zone. Recovery has been moments where I feel in control and moments where I feel like I've lost it and feel hopeless. Recovery has been opening up about things I never thought I would and opening up to those I never wanted to due to fear of hurting them and letting them down. Recovery has been moments where I've wanted to give in and just let it all take over because that took less energy than having to fight. Recovery has been getting on with things and pushing through moments which I would've before ran away from. Recovery has been letting myself feel the things I feel instead of drinking to numb them or using other coping strategies. Recovery has been exhausting. Recovery has been rediscovering a way of life I never thought I would and throwing myself into an uncomfortable unknown with the hope it will eventually pay off. Recovery has been so full of dread as much as it has been wishing it will work.
It's hard and takes more guts and fight than I've ever had to give before but I'm just hoping despite all of this, it'll be worth it.

One of the main steps and milestones I've found with recovery is having to accept the fact it's not a straightforward path (and that itself does take some strength) and that it doesn't mean you no longer suffer with x, y and z.. but that it does mean you're fighting against it to get the life back that you constantly get told you deserve and is out there for you.
A fight for a whole life you never thought you'd have- let alone deserve. 

With recovery please just remember whether it be you or someone else that it's never going to be easy but that doesn't make it impossible. And take into consideration just what is going on behind those closed doors and inside.
Please though keep fighting and please push through those moments and periods of time where you feel it's easier to give in and want nothing more than to do so. 

I believe in y'all.

"If you always do what you've always done, you'll always have what you've always had."

"Keep on keeping on.."

I wish nothing but the best for everyone.

Lots of love xxxxx

Has it really been since April?!

I haven't done a blog since April, that seems crazy and I do not know where this year has gone; it's going so fast! Anyhow I thought I'd write a blog post, mainly because since last Monday and since turning 20 I've felt something so strong which I've never felt before.
For a month and definitely more before my birthday, I was not in a good place and it certainly just got lower and lower as the days went by, until literally I had given up. The night before my birthday, I most definitely hit a low point and I actually scared myself and those around me. Before that night I tried everything to push people away, to try and be on my own so I could carry on with what I THOUGHT was right..
Monday the 12th, the day before my birthday was the most emotional day I'd had in I don't know how long. It was horrible and come night time it got worse. I'm not going to go into detail and say the ins and outs of it all, but take my word for it, it was not pleasant and a nice place to be. My depression was the worst it'd been since I could remember. My depression had took over every cell of my body and every breath that I took. Everything I did I could feel the impact it gave, I just could not cope and I felt horrific mentally, physically and emotionally.
However, since that night never have I realised just how much I need the people in my life and need the things that keep me going because I literally would be nothing without them.
I've never, ever appreciated anything and everything more than what I do right now. My job, my friends, my family, everything. I regret trying to push them all away, but I guess at the same time, without pushing them away I would never have realised just how much I need them all?
I don't know if the aim of this blog was to update, or what, but what I'm saying is, that no matter how much depression takes hold of you, no matter how much it smothers you, no matter how much it tells you this and tells you that; you are worth so much more and deserve so much more and are so worthy of happiness and to feel content. Life is always full of ups and downs, highs and lows, but if you're willing to push through and able to see the reasons to carry on when it's the last thing you want to do, you can do it. You will get there. I promise. Please stick at it and fight and do anything and everything because your life is so much more than depression could ever convince you. Your life is yours to make amazing and one to remember. Please, please, please if you ever need anyone because your feeling low, suicidal, or just genuinely struggling: don't hesitate to message me. I'm here. Always here and I honestly just want to help and I care so much and more than you'll ever realise.
Depression and the ways I cope with it is destroying and will no doubt impact me in the future, however that doesn't mean you have to be like that too. Please talk, please open up. Don't ever be ashamed or embarrassed or feel like you won't be taken seriously. Please realise the things which you think help; never just has that short term effect and that in the grande scheme of things nothing self destructive (the things which you believe truly help in the moment) will ever get you anywhere, maybe that short relief, the release, ability to forget, but talking, opening up, getting the help you deserve will.
I'm forever going to have these scars, I'm forever going to have this battle with a certain substance. BUT, I am able to try and control and try and enable myself to make decisions and get the help I need when I need it. I am able to recognise my triggers and recognise when my depression is taking over, but as hard as I find it- I'm also able to realise that I am stronger than my depression.
It's a battle, oh is it a fucking battle but it's possible.
You can do this.
Hold on to the little things, the little moments, because they're much greater than you realise. 
Considering its been since April and there really is so much I could say and update you all on, this is a very short post, however I'm working on it and hopefully soon I'll have a more detailed and in depth post to share with you all with not only things which have happened but things I'm planning too but for the mean time this'll have to do. 

Please take care of yourselves xox

I'M HYPER AND HAPPY AND I'M APPRECIATING YOU ALL.

Okay, I'm feeling extremely high and hyper right now and I can't actually sit still, so if there's any spelling mistakes etc. then there's the explanation!

Today has been what I needed. Today, seeing the 3 members of staff and friend from sixth form/school it's made me realise and pushed me into coming to terms with how much has changed- for the better!
Before leaving Sixth Form in January I was just one miserable, hopeless, depressed, anxious and insecure thing with no desire for the future, no goals, no confidence, no motivation, no ambition.. I simply survived and somehow made it through.

Then the incredible and life changing Prince's Trust came into my life. The Prince's Trust absolutely saved me. It made me feel alive again. It gave me goals, tasks, challenges, lots of happiness, memories, friends, motivation, hope and incredibly some confidence.

Today I went to see some staff from sixth form/ school and whilst walking round the building and talking to them all I felt like a whole different person. People were approaching me in a whole different way- a very nice, welcoming and joyful way. They weren't being cautious about talking to me incase I panicked. They weren't being cautious about approaching me incase shut them off. They were simply treating me like someone they were confident to talk to. Their whole body language and the way they spoke to me was completely different. And I believe that's down to my body language and vibes being completely different- I wasn't standing closed off and rigid. I wasn't hiding myself and avoiding eye contact. I wasn't constantly fiddling and hiding behind my hair. And again, that's all thanks to the Prince's Trust!

The course was hands down the best thing I could've done. It's transformed me into something I wouldn't have been able to transform into without!
Now when people ask me about my future I can actually answer them, when people talk to me I can comfortably talk to them back, when people approach me I don't feel so tense and on edge and when people ask me how I am; I can actually say "okay".. and most of the time genuinely mean it!

Things are so much better now. And I know as always I still have a good way to go, but after concentrating and reflecting on just how far I've come.. well bring it on! I'm not giving up. No way. I couldn't do that to those around me but now I can say I couldn't do that to myself either!

So whilst I'm here I would just like to say a great, big, massive  THANK YOU to everyone who's helped me and continues to help me.. The Prince's Trust (Kerry, Jim, Jade, Lori, John, Tony, Michael, Tom, Daniel and Dom). The girls and their parent's. The staff I saw today (Penny, Liz and Erica). My friends, my family and of course my support workers and counsellor. I really would not be here as the person I am today without you all.

Loads of love to you all!

- I hope you're all okay and life's treating you well! Remember I'm always here if you need me! Take care🌞 -

10th February 2016.

So as I sit here at the park, listening to music and watching the stars it's just giving me the perfect opportunity to sit and think and reflect.

Who'd have thought what a difference just over 2 weeks could make?! It's scary just thinking about it. I can't even imagine my life before, but I know it was not happy and a nice place to be. In just over two weeks of me concentrating on myself and getting my life back I've come so far, yes not everyday is all sunshine and rainbows and it's certainly had it's down moments, but with every dark time comes 3 bright things and that's certainly true. I know what keeps me going, keeps me fighting and picks me back up when I fall and I can gladly say that they aren't all harmful things anymore and that they're my family, support workers and my friends too. I'm so lucky, I have more than I could ever wish for in terms of support. Parents that haven't given up on me, support workers that haven't given up on me and friends that haven't given up on me and those people not giving up on me gives me every reason not to give up on myself. Like I've said before, this is ALL such a long, windy, bumpy journey; but it's possible and I'm gonna make it possible! I have a long way to go don't get me wrong, but I know that I can make it through and most importantly FIGHT my way through!
I've met some absolutely lovely people in the past two weeks who together we've already come such a long way- as a team and as individuals. I can find myself being with them and genuinely smiling, laughing and just enjoying their company. They're supportive, encouraging and understanding and it's truly lovely to be around.
"Everything happens for a reason" is the saying; and I'm starting to believe it more and more. And I guess in some cases I hope it's true too.

As I sat at the table first thing today: "So we're on week 3, how are you feeling and are you going to make it through to week 12"
Yes. Yes I am. Because I have so many people supporting me through this, I have such kind people around me and it's a challenge; again, with its ups and definite downs, but it's about personal development and I have trust that this course is going to help develop me as a person, it's already starting to in just over 2 weeks and I'd like to see how things are after 12! It's a rollarcoaster of emotions, but that's okay because anything has to be better than how my life was.
I like seeing people happy and after experiencing it today.. I like feeling happy too and I long for that feeling to be more permanent!
I'll get there.. I have no choice!

A massive, massive, massive thank you to ALL of the supportive people in my life; who haven't given up on me, have encouraged me, guided me and believed in me. I'd be absolutely nothing without you all.

I hope you're all well and life is treating you kindly!

Take care!

Natalie x

29th December 2015.

Well hello there, once again I'm going to find myself apologising for the lack of blogging- but the time hasn't been right, the inspiration hasn't been there and the excuses have been flowing.
But now it's time. Time for me to get back on track in many more than one way.

I hope you all had a lovely Christmas and it was a positive time for you all spent with your loved ones and full of happiness, laughter and appreciation.

I can't believe it's only 3 days till the New Year, this time of year always makes me so anxious. A new year, a whole new year. I hate the anticipation, the fear, the what ifs, but I'm determined to get myself better in 2016.
I've come through so much this year, finding myself in such dark times, making bad choices and relying on things I thought would help- adding another battle to my list. But that's okay. Because I've managed to learn so much about myself this year. And I most certainly can say that despite the fact I'm battling through all this, I have the most amazing supportive people in my life.
My support workers, family, friends and doctors and without all of them I don't know what I'd be doing or where I'd be. So I cannot THANK them all enough.

If there's one thing I've learnt this year is the opening up to those you never dreamt of opening up to is possibly one of the biggest, bravest and influential steps you can take. And I couldn't encourage it enough. It really does make a big difference and it really does make things that slightest bit easier.

Recovery is exhausting, constant, scary BUT it's possible and I'm not giving up. And I'm not giving up because of the people I have around me but also because of myself. I've fought for too long, I've come through so much, I've learnt too much and I've come such a long way that there's no way I could give up on that now. I am going to do this, it may be scary but blimey it'll be worth it.

So please, for anyone out there struggling- no matter what it is- please don't give up. If you think no one cares, there's no point, it's too hard; you couldn't be more wrong. I care about you all so much and I am more than willing to listen to you, to help you and support you. So please talk to me, whether it's on my social medias; facebook/twitter/instagram or whether you email me directly at nataliepaige1396@gmail.com
Please do.

I'm hoping to atleast do one more post before the new year, but incase I don't get round to it; I hope you all have a lovely time. That 2016 treats you well and I wish you all the best happiness and health for the new year. You all deserve it.

Thank you so much to those who took the time to read my posts this year, who supported me and encouraged me. Who a kept me strong and kept me going.
You all mean one hell of a lot to me and I really cannot thank you all enough.

Keep strong, keep fighting and remember recovery and happiness is possible if you allow yourself to believe, trust and accept. Live to inspire others, but most importantly live to inspire yourself.
You got this🌞💕

A journal of my journey..

So I've been thinking about my blog; what I want to do with it and the type of posts I would like to share.
I have decided I want to try and turn it into a journal of my recovery, a journal of my journey.
I want and need to include some positivity and I want to post about my journey in the hope it will be able to help others, and/or maybe go as far to say 'inspire' others.
Obviously I can only talk from my experiences and what you read will either be close to the truth or the exact truth- depending on how personal it is of course. But I will not be exaggerating, pretending, lying- it's just going to be me, my mind, my blog and my recovery.

And I guess to start it off today is a good day to do so.

In terms of my anxiety and depression it really hasn't been very good recently, lots of negativity and lack of self belief, particularly last week and yesterday- having a very detrimental effect on my attendance and work at sixth form.
Last week I didn't attend any lessons, the one I told myself I would attend I wasn't able to due to having a panic attack beforehand.
BUT, today I was determined to fight, I had 4 hours of lessons and I set myself a target of attending a minimum of 2 and for anything more to be a bonus. I attended all 4. It wasn't easy, I had a few panicky episodes but.. I done it. I was determined to do it and I did just so.
I also attended a Zumba class that I used to go to twice a week without fail for the first time in months last night. Again, the nerves were there, the thoughts were there and as much as I wanted to turn around and go home, as much as I wished the ground could swallow me up, I went. I made it there. I managed to to join in for the first few songs before having to sit and watch the rest of the class because of the overwhelming feelings and thoughts. But I was still proud for even attending, let alone standing up and taking part for the duration I did.

It's days and times like these I want to write about, it's days and times like this which are positive and something to be proud of, it's days and times like this which deserve to counted as an achievement and something to look back on to pick myself up.

I hope you readers are okay, thank you so much for the support etc I've been given it really does mean a lot! Remember if any of you ever need someone to talk to, rant to whatever my email address for this blog is nataliepaige1396@gmail.com or feel free to comment on the posts or message me directly on my social medias. I'm more than willing to help!

It's hard, it's tiring, it's a bumpy road.. but it's possible, it's worth it and we can do it!

Keep strong!

Nat x