Woah.. 2016..

To say the least.. this year has been massive.
At the beginning of the year I set myself all those 'typical new years resolutions'- lose weight, get fit, blah blah blah..
And then I set myself the ones I gave myself no choice but to accomplish and the ones which I have finally, to this day realised were the important ones; get my driving licence, get a job, meet new people, become vegan, recover, etc, etc...
Here I am on the 26th of December completely overwhelmed by everything this year has thrown at me and taught me and the new life it's given me.
Starting with Jan- leaving sixth form (which for the previous 2 and a half years had been the worst thing for me) to then get myself on the Princes Trust course which taught me so so much.
March, I completed 2 weeks work experience at the most amazing and rewarding school.. Churchill Park. It made it clearer than it was before.. this was my passion!
April, the PT course ended, wow I thought that was it... but no.. with my new friends by my side and with everything it taught me it then pushed me though for the rest of the year.. and through it I also signed up with an amazing volunteering organisation..
Then come May.. through frantically trying to find a job I find myself employed at the Market Cross.. the job which has given me life.
June, I do my theory test, despite all the anxiety and the fact I hadn't actually drove in a year.. I passed! (Massive thanks to my Stabler family for encouraging me to do so!)..
July the 15th, the official date of this amazing new life of Veganism. It's helped me through so much to do with eating disorders and everything. It's enlightened me and encouraged my ever growing wish to do something postivie for this world.
August.. I start my driving lessons again; despite all the anxiety of it all, I'm there, determined!
September, my hardest month (by what I can remember anyway) the 12th of September, I felt as though my world had broken and there's was no going forwards, I came so close... my work with my alcohol support worker finished, distraught. Then the 13th, my 20th birthday.. the birthday I said enough is enough! Its now or never! I have to do this! September the 21st.. I failed my first driving lesson.. BUT the same day instead of giving up and never doing it again like I would've before... I booked my next one! 
October the 11th, I passed my test! Beep beep to independence!
End of October/ November I bought my baby Violet.. my new lease of life and freedom! Something I worked hard for an finally achieved!
November, from all the training and sorting everything out I get told I have a client for my voluntary work and it'll begin in January.. SO excited! My dream is coming true.. helping and supporting people! In this November month as well.. my work ended after 2 years with my amazing support worker.. a time I never thought would come around.. out of this world overwhelming!
December, in particular Christmas day.. my first vegan christmas and my first Christmas in this new mindset for the world and for food... it was beyond testing and still definitely not something that's been easy.. but I did it!!!!
And now here I am.. prepping myself for New year! Making plans and battling the anxiety it's always always bought me.. I'm determined to not have my annual breakdown on NYE.. I have things I want to do and things I'm proud that I've achieved. It's new year but it's also going to be a time spent with a handful of my favourite people, my MC crew.

I'm not sat here writing this because I want to blab about how much has happened and changed... but I wanted to write this because I never thought any of this was possible. I never thought I'd see things positively or in this mindset. I never thought I would feel happy and for it to last more than 5 mins.. I never thought any of this would ever happen. But I also wanted to write this for those who are struggling with whatever now to tell you that it is possible!!!! It can happen!!! It's all there for you!!! You can do it!!!

2016.. has been the worst and best year of my life ever... and I'm forever grateful!

Anything is possible guys. It really is. Depression isn't something that has to be there forever... you can get through it... there is a brighter side.. it does happen.. and trust me I never thought I'd say that.. 6 years.. and here I am..

Please, please, please, keep going, keep strong and please belive me..

It's okay and it's also okay to not be okay.

I love you all and please if you ever need me I'm here!!!!
Anytime, any day!

So much love and I hope you all had a lovely Christmas

And a massive shout out to all the new people in my life, Annie and her family, my MC crew, EVERYONE. You've all got me to this point in my life and I will forever be grateful and especially for the memories and the plans to look forward to!
N xxxxx

Recovery..

Recovery isn't..
Sunshine and rainbows.
Waking up and deciding enough is enough and that being it.
Easy.
Simple.
A straight forward line.

Recovery is..
Battling.
Fighting.
Testing.
Those high moments.
Those low moments.
Constantly reassuring yourself just why you're doing so.
Remembering.
Fighting flashbacks.
Fighting thoughts.
Forcing yourself to take medication you never believed in.
Everything and anything you've had to deal with but fighting against it more than ever.
The unknown.
Picking yourself up despite.

I feel like the last 2 months I've hit recovery more than ever... and I feel like where I am now I'm in a position where I can talk about just how up and down it is and how the perception of it can be very misunderstood.
Recovery doesn't mean that you wake up one day and decide from now on everything will be fine.. however recovery does mean having to choose that you want to get better and having to fight against what you always believed, what you always knew, what you always thought was your way of life and always going to make you happy, feel better and relieve those feelings (irrational thoughts and beliefs).

For me, recovery has been pushing boundaries and going way, way, way out of my comfort zone. Recovery has been moments where I feel in control and moments where I feel like I've lost it and feel hopeless. Recovery has been opening up about things I never thought I would and opening up to those I never wanted to due to fear of hurting them and letting them down. Recovery has been moments where I've wanted to give in and just let it all take over because that took less energy than having to fight. Recovery has been getting on with things and pushing through moments which I would've before ran away from. Recovery has been letting myself feel the things I feel instead of drinking to numb them or using other coping strategies. Recovery has been exhausting. Recovery has been rediscovering a way of life I never thought I would and throwing myself into an uncomfortable unknown with the hope it will eventually pay off. Recovery has been so full of dread as much as it has been wishing it will work.
It's hard and takes more guts and fight than I've ever had to give before but I'm just hoping despite all of this, it'll be worth it.

One of the main steps and milestones I've found with recovery is having to accept the fact it's not a straightforward path (and that itself does take some strength) and that it doesn't mean you no longer suffer with x, y and z.. but that it does mean you're fighting against it to get the life back that you constantly get told you deserve and is out there for you.
A fight for a whole life you never thought you'd have- let alone deserve. 

With recovery please just remember whether it be you or someone else that it's never going to be easy but that doesn't make it impossible. And take into consideration just what is going on behind those closed doors and inside.
Please though keep fighting and please push through those moments and periods of time where you feel it's easier to give in and want nothing more than to do so. 

I believe in y'all.

"If you always do what you've always done, you'll always have what you've always had."

"Keep on keeping on.."

I wish nothing but the best for everyone.

Lots of love xxxxx