"One of those days.."

Do you ever have "one of those days" where you just worry and over think everything?

But what if "one of those days" seem to be everyday?

I mean I'm fine when I'm busy or with people (kinda), but it's when I'm on my own and have time to sit and think is where my day seems to turn around.

Anxiety is a factor of my life that I have no control over, I worry, I over think, I panic and that's just part of me now. But it really does get to me some times- thinking and worrying and finding myself in these moods where I just feel like sitting and crying, realising that realistically I have no control over things, like what's going to happen during the day, the conversations I'm going to have, the mood I'm going to be in. I hate not knowing. Dreading days to come where I'm going to be surrounded by people, returning back to sixth form after a few days off, days full of expectations and commitments, where actually I'd rather just be in bed.
My job, the girls I babysit, my family and my friends are the reasons I get out of bed in the mornings, I love all of them. Yet I always find myself feeling guilty for feeling this way, that I'd actually quite like to just cut myself off and be on my own, or I would actually like to just get away sometimes.
I don't know, I have these feelings that I just annoy those around me, say the wrong things, hurt people and that maybe I am just better off sewing my mouth up and shutting myself away?
Recent events have been so overwhelming and it's really shaken me up. What if I could've done more? What if the worst had happened?

I don't know. I don't really know what's going on in my mind anymore, but I would love to just be happy and confident.

I'm sorry that for a blog that was supposed to be full of positivity has now had this downer posted on it.

I just needed to write, that's all.

I promise future blogs will be better and nicer.

I hope you're all okay and happy. 

Much love to you all xx

Here goes..

For a while now I've been thinking about creating a place where people can see what goes on in my life and somewhere I can try to help others. Although I may not be able to relate to everything, I will always do what I can to understand.
I believe that everyone deserves the chance to express how they really feel and have a place where they can take a break from the struggles of everyday life and my aim is to create this.

I'm no trained counsellor, but I am a person willing to help anyone. No matter their age or background. Everyone deserves the opportunity to be heard.

Now I'm not going to make out that the whole of my life has been under one big dark cloud full of misery and pain, because it hasn't.
I have my family, friends, an education and a job. So I guess the expectation is that I should be happy and everything is sunshine and rainbows right?
Well that's the expectation- but why should what I have around me determine how I should feel? Don't get me wrong,  I'm so grateful for what I have, but unfortunately mental illness doesn't consider the factors of your life before it begins to take over it.

You see, there is so much stigma and ignorance around so many things these days and in particular mental health.
Surely if it's invisible it doesn't exist.. RIGHT? Surely if you have everything you need around you, you should be "happy".. RIGHT?

However this couldn't be more wrong. Just because you cannot see it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Just because someone has what is considered to be "everything you need in life" doesn't mean they should feel or think a certain way.

It's said that 1 in 4 people in the UK will experience mental health problems in the duration of a year. This can be anyone, it could be the person sitting next to you on public transport, it could be the person you just walked past in town, it could be the person sitting next to you in your classroom,  the person surrounded by friends at school, the old man or the old lady you just saw in the local coffee shop, the celebrities in the media.
It can be anyone. Anyone can be affected by a mental health condition. There is no age restrictions, gender restrictions, ethnicity restrictions, wealth restrictions, there is simply no restrictions.. but there is social stigma and pure ignorance towards it.
Now, I'm not trying to say everyone should understand personally and know all the ins and outs,  but I do think everyone should have a basic understanding, consideration and knowledge.
In school we're taught some of the physical illnesses and the illnesses most in the public eye, however we're not taught about mental health or how we can support someone struggling with mental illness. So I guess we're socialised to think it's not important but being able to measure the angle of a triangle is?
We always comment about what we're not taught in school- mortgages,  bills, use the washing machine, but never do I see mental illness on that list even though it affects everyone?

Society, is society,  one person will never be able to change it, however one person may be able to impact it?

Anyway, my aim is to create a place free from the social stigma and judgemental comments, but full of understanding.

So here's the first blog post. If you actually read this, thank you for your time.


If any of you ever need someone to talk to a place to go to, this blog will always be open to all, along with my ask.fm: https://m.ask.fm/agirlswordsandthoughts

Take care of yourselves and remember you are beautiful and unique, important and all deserve to be heard no matter how big or small the problem is, if it's affecting you, it's important.